A Meshuggunah Pirate Movie

by Cheryl Petterson
with snark interludes by Mylochka and Cher

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PAGE TEN

The small group made their way back through the vegetation to a well-hidden spot that was neither too far nor too close to the beach. Del scowled, for there was the rowboat he and Také had appropriated, along with their foodstuffs and grog and ammunition. He swore under his breath, receiving a glare from Chekov. There were several pirate lasses about, along with a contingent of Kirk’s men - and one of the women broke from the waiting group to fling herself into Chekov’s arms.

“Pytor, I was so worried!” she cried, and Del snorted as the Russian picked her up in exactly the same manner as the Turk had Coriander. He kissed her with what even the Frenchman had to admit was a fair amount of passion.

"Hey, Daf, he like that when he not bein' a stiff li'l soldier robot?" Del called.

Daffy tossed her hair. "Like I'd ever tell you," she said, but one green eye winked at him.

“There, there, I am quite safe now,” the Russian was murmuring, and Del was quite surprised by the amount of tenderness in his voice.

“I made them go after you,” Daffy Rosen – for though she was dressed as a pirate, this was the mistress of the Sweetwater Inn – “and I made them rescue Cori. God-cursed Turks!”

"Havens!" several people called on top of Mistress Rosen's last word.

“It was not the Turks who waylaid me,” Chekov told her, setting her down. She immediately swept the colorful bandana off her head, her dark curls tumbling about her face. He turned to the Commodore, his arm going around her waist. Her hand settled itself on top of his, as though to make sure it would stay there. “I have much to report, Commodore,” he said.

"Shee-it, I not gonna sit through ol' Pyotr's cock-eyed version of events..." Del muttered.

Del made himself sit down a little ways away from the military men. The Turk and Cori had taken care of the large man’s countrymen, the Enterprise’s crewmen were keeping a careful watch on the purloined supplies, and with a sigh, DelMonde contented himself with appreciating Captain Han’s bevy of scantily or snugly clad beauties. He’d tangled with them before, of course, but seeing them as simply beautiful women rather than as deadly enemies was a far more pleasant viewpoint. He listened half-heartedly as the Russian told of his capture and escape, of Také and DelMonde’s forcing him to return to the Chinaman’s lair, of Desireé’s betrayal and the Chinaman’s selling them to Yarbay Sahin. He left the most scandalous for last – or at least the scandalous part he be willin’ to mention seein’ as how Daffy’s the kind who’d take none to kindly to the ‘last meal’ the sorcerer provide, he thought with a nasty chuckle.

"Sounds just like you, Del," Ruth's voice floated down to the Cajun.

"That's because it IS him," Sulu pointed out.

"We see if you say that the nex' time Master Také do somet'ing unnecessarily stupid," Del retorted.

“The sorcerer has an island woman held prisoner, sir,” Chekov was saying. “I saw her with my own eyes. She is as pale as a ghost, sir. The Chinaman was trying to bribe her with the Royal sovereigns. I saw the chest, and heard him offer them to her. That Asian brigand swore she cast a spell on him, a song or call, that made him risk us all to try and rescue her. I think – “ And here, his voice lowered, “she is a witch, sir.”

"A vitch, a vitch!" several people called out, followed by giggles.

“And what happened to Takeda?” Kirk asked.

Chekov frowned. “He loosed some bars in the cell in which we were held and shimmied out of them. He crawled up the wall, Commodore – up the very wall! That was the last we saw of him.”

“So he wasn’t too keen on rescuing this witch after all?” Captain Han commented.

The Russian turned to her, clearly loathe to address her.

"You make sure you mark that down on your li'l board there, Miss Jade," Del suggested.

"I will, Mr. DelMonde," Jade assured.

Chekov let out a loud gulping sound.

“I can’t speak to that – Captain,” he said.

"He make 'captain' sound like a curse word fo' sure!" Del cackled.

"Oh shut up, ya putz," Daffy snapped.

“It makes little sense to go into such a dangerous place to accomplish nothing when he and DelMonde could have easily rowed to the Tortugas,” Kirk mused.

“That is all the information I have, sir,” Chekov returned contritely.

"Suck-up."

"Ass-kiss."

“Beggin’ your pardon, Commodore,” Coriander suddenly interrupted, “If the sorcerer does have a Priestess, she can’t be workin’ her charms for him. Not if she called to another.”

Kirk turned to the lovely African woman. “What do you know of this, Miss Freedom?”

“Commodore!” came the voice of Thomas Riley, “someone’s coming!”

Immediately the group all took up their arms, turning in the direction Riley was pointing.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

Takeda made his way through the thick semi-tropical growth, heading back to the place he and DelMonde had stored their supplies. He formulated a plan as he went: retrieve his katana, make his way back to Ming’s tower, climb up it again and free Iere. He was so focused that he didn’t hear the movement in the vegetation until he was surrounded. Arms grabbed him and he prepared to employ the marital training he had received as a samurai when a deep voice murmured something in a language he didn’t know. Several people emerged around him, all dark-skinned with elaborate whitish tattooing on their bodies. The men wore loincloths, the women adding short vests that barely covered their breasts. A tall, well-muscled male stepped before him.

“It’s Jer, it’s Jer!” Ruth called out before Daffy could, knowing the chemist would’ve used Paget’s Clavist handle. Del snorted as Daffy stuck her tongue out at the Antari.

Sulu closed his eyes as desire rushed through him, then gave Jilla a hug.

“Sorry, hon,” he whispered.

Her grey eyes were understanding even as her skin shimmered in reaction, and he hugged her again.

“Who are you?” he asked in heavily accented English.

Také eyed him warily. “What business it is of yours?” he replied.

“These are our islands,” the man said. “Your people invade and conquer, but we hold still to the old ways.”

“I have no desire to invade or conquer,” Také returned.

There were snorts, snickers and catcalls from nearly everyone in the audience.

“Shut the fuck up!” Sulu growled.

“Language, Mr. Sulu,” Jim said sternly.

“Shut the hell up,” Sulu amended.

“That’s better,” Jim replied with wry disapproval.

“Leave me in peace and I’ll do the same for you.”

“Like that’s gonna happen?” Daffy grinned.

The man peered closely at him, his dark eyes narrowing. He spoke a few words to the woman next to him. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply – then her eyes flew open again in shock. She spoke quickly, and the people around the Asian began murmuring in tones both excited and amazed.

“You are the Called One,” the man said to him and Také felt his arms being released as all around him dropped, each to one knee. “I am Odair, leader of the people of Kalaoucera. You have been Touched by our Priestess,

“That what they callin’ it these days?” Del asked.

Sulu punched him on the arm.

who was taken from us two moons ago. We have searched these islands for a trace of her. Our trackers have led us to this most cursed part of our lands.”

Takeda blinked. “You speak of Iere?” he whispered.

“You have seen her?” Odair returned.

The Asian nodded. “She is being held in the highest room of Ming’s tower,” he said. “I have a weapon

“Three feet of steel?” Ruth cackled and Jilla flushed.

Jade lifted a puzzled eyebrow, but made a note on her statboard.

which can cut through the bars at his windows, and she told me she could enchant it to break those of her cage…”

“She is caged?” Odair cried, and those round him set up a moaning.

“I mean to free her,” Také said fiercely.

“Then we will help you,” the tall man assured. He rose. “What name do you go by, Called One?”

“Takeda.”

Odair looked him over. “You say you have a weapon, but I see none.”

“It’s concealed nearby.”

“Good thing,” Uhura whispered to Sakura Tamura. “Those three feet of steel could get awfully distracting on duty.”

Sakura giggled, glancing over her shoulder at Sulu. The helmsman gave her a look, and she giggled again.

“Lead us, then, Takeda, for our quest is now yours.” He extended his arm, and Také did likewise, the two clasping each other’s forearms. Then Odair signaled and his people again vanished into the jungle.

“Lead,” Odair repeated. “We will follow,” and Také nodded.

“When you gonna stop chasin’ that Takeda boy an’ get me some grandbabies?” Del called in a high-pitched voice.

Daffy and Ruth and Sakura doubled over with laughter. Ruth had the decency to shrug at Sulu.

“Sorry, Roy – but it is funny.”

Sulu shook his head, then bent to whisper an explanation to Jilla.

“What’s that all about?” McCoy asked Jim.

“Damned if I know, Bones,” the captain returned.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

Instead of finding his and DelMonde’s encampment still safely hidden, Takeda was more than surprised to find it swarming not only with Royal Navy men, but the pirates from the Raven, the proprietors of the Sweetwater Inn and even three corsairs, though two of them were bound together on the sand. He turned to warn the islanders, but found they were nowhere to be seen. Recalling how quickly they had melted into the jungle, Také squared his shoulders and strode into the throng of people. Several of the Navy officers shouted at him to halt, but he ignored their brandished weaponry and those of the pirate wenches and walked up to his erstwhile cohort, who was sitting on the ground, his hands tied behind his back.

"Yeah, big motherfuckin' surprise, mon ami," Del muttered.

"I can't take you anywhere," Sulu joked back, and chuckled at the engineer's disconcerted grunt.

"Shouldn't that be 'Také' him anywhere?" Ruth smirked, then ducked the popcorn thrown at her. Which allowed it to hit her husband in the chest. At Spock's mild frown of disapproval, she blinked innocently at him.

"What?" she asked. "That stuff'll grow in my hair."

"Of course," was his calm reply.

“How did you escape the sorcerer?” he asked.

The Frenchman glared up at him. “Mais, you th’ cold one,” he snarled. “You jus’ leave me an’ Moscow to th’ wolves and still have nerve enough to…”

“I was coming back,” Také interrupted. “Why else would I come here?”

“Maybe to steal our boat an’ supplies an’ take your monkey-ass back to the Japans?” Del accused.

"And maybe I should have," Sulu said, folding his arms.

"You have more honor than that, Sulu," Chekov bravely defended his helmpartner.

Takeda scowled. “I have more honor than that,” he stated.

"Caught you, Pasha!" Daffy crowed delightedly.

“I came to get my katana.”

“An’ I s’pose t’was your plan to fight that God-cursed Ming’s guards all by yourself?” Del scoffed.

“No,” the Asian replied. “I was going to free Iere and her magic was going to fight that God-cursed Ming’s guards.”

“Who?”

"Jilla," The audience responded as one.

Také gave a rare smile. “The Priestess whose call I heard,” he said.

“Priestess? You mean Moscow’s ‘vitch’?” The Frenchman deliberately mimicked the Russian’s accent.

"See, ever'body call her that," Del laughed.

“She has much power, but it is contained by evil sorcery,” Takeda answered, almost dreamily. “She called me to her and we are bound together by…”

Amour à la première vue?” Del spat. “God’s death, boy, you almost got me unmanned!” he added in a roar. “The cursed Chinaman sold me to the cursed Turks! If the cursed Navy hadn’t come along…”

"You would be singing soprano, non?" Monique's voice sailed up to him.

At that moment, Commodore Kirk’s voice rang out and the officer who was approaching them snapped to attention.

“Master Takeda,” John Kirk said as he stepped forward, “you are charged with desertion and mutiny.”

"Yeah, yeah, blah blah," Del muttered.

“As I told you you would be,” Chekov’s voice said as he, too moved toward the Asian. Del struggled to his feet, damned if he was going to allow the Russian to tower over him.

"I not hafta stand t' avoid that."

“The Commodore might be lenient with you, seeing as how you’ve given yourself up…”

“I haven’t,” Takeda informed him. Chekov ignored that.

“…but I will surely recommend that such lenience be tempered with the full knowledge of your crimes, not the least of which was abandoning an officer in desperate straights, after first, in fact, leading him into such a situation…”

“Lieutenant Chekov, I’ll handle this,” Kirk intervened.

"Merci, if I had t' listen t' one more speech, I'd a been pukin' here..."

Takeda regarded him impassively, then noticed that Daphne Rosen had come up behind Chekov. The Asian nodded to her, and received a “hmmph!”, her hands going to her hips.

"Hi Daf," Sulu said, waving his fingers to her.

"Hmmph!" the chemist repeated her screen self.

“I’ll want a full report from you, Master Takeda,” Kirk said sternly.

“My report is this,” Takeda said evenly. “The sorcerer who has taken this island holds a native Priestess captive. I will rescue her. And neither you nor your regulations nor your men nor your weapons will stop me. Naught will stop me save for my death.”

There were cheers and shouts of 'that's tellin' him!' that quickly quieted down as Jim stood up to survey the audience.

"Don't be such a herbert, James," Jade remarked softly.

Jim grinned at her. "I wasn't," he said and she laughed at the mischievous twinkle in his eye.

He turned on his heel and went straight to the now-revealed cache of supplies. The oil cloth that had held his swords was open, but his treasured blades were no where to be seen.

“Where is my katana, my wakazashi?” he said, his voice cold and dangerous.

A murmuer of 'ooooh!' went through the crowd.

"You not mess wit' that man's blades," Del added.

Sakura, Monique, Uhura and Ruth snickered.

Sulu rolled his eyes.

“They were confiscated, of course,” Chekov began.

“John, a word?” MeiLin Han murmured, stepping up behind the Commodore.

Hesitant to turn his gaze from Takeda’s icy black eyes, lest he be thought of as backing down from a challenge to his authority, Kirk nevertheless nodded. Glaring at the Asian, he stepped away with the pirate captain..

"You'd best back away slowly from ol' Divine Wind," Del commented.

Sakura murmured a shuddering agreement and beside Chekov, Daffy shivered.

"What does that mean?" Jim asked Jade.

"I'm not sure," the doctor replied, and added privately to herself, but I will find out.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

MeiLin had watched the exchange between the Commodore, Chekov, Takeda and DelMonde with interest.

"Almost like she was a psychologist or something," McCoy cackled.

Jade shook her head, but she was smiling.

Being a commander of a crew herself, she understood the need for discipline, but the abuses of Her Majesty’s Royal Navy were well known.

"Lashings," Sulu said.

"Keelhauling," Chekov added.

"Catamitin'," Del chuckled.

She had no trouble at all understanding why the two young men had jumped ship – particularly with the bleak prospects of pay anytime in the near future. Of course, part of that was her fault –

There were boos and hisses from the audience, and Ruth, Sakura and Tara all gave raspberries.

she and the Raven had managed to appropriate the first chest several months earlier. Which was when the Enterprise had first begun its mission to roust her out of the waters. She didn’t regret it – all was fair in love and war.

"She said love," McCoy murmured with an obvious glance in Jade's direction. "Interesting."

"She also said war, Leonard," Jade reminded sternly.

And t’would that there were a little of both in this situation, she found herself thinking.

McCoy's triumphant, "See!" was followed by an "Ow!"

When she heard the Asian’s story of a Priestess of WaqWaq being held captive by the island’s infamous ‘chinaman’ – a term she herself had no truck with

"Bein' a chinawoman," Del snorted.

– and saw the tender way Lieutenant Chekov treated with Mistress Rosen,

"Awwww!" Ruth said, grinning down at Pavel and Daffy - who grinned back with a thumbs up.

and even the passion shared between Faik and Coriander Freedom,

"Hot damn!" was the Antari's remark.

"Sugar, you don't know the half of it," Uhura agreed smugly.

she couldn’t help but be a little wistful. The realization that Takeda’s swords had been confiscated, though, was what made her decide to make a move. She’d never spent any time in the Japans, but she was well aware of how attached the warriors of that island were to their fabled blades.

The snorts, snickers and outright guffaws made Sulu repeat Daffy's earlier comment. "What, are you all twelve?"

If John Kirk didn’t give them back, there would be trouble – murderous trouble.

She stepped up to the Commodore and said quietly, “John, a word?”

With only the smallest amount of mental bluster, the Commodore turned to her and she led him a few paces away from the confrontation.

“What do you need of me, Captain?” Kirk said, his jaw tight.

The snorts, snickers and guffaws were louder - until the captain cleared his throat. The expressions died down quickly.

"Oh come on, Jim." McCoy chastised. "It's not like they don't all know."

“Three things,” she replied. “First, that you remember our objective here. We’re after the corsairs and your pay chest. I understand that DelMonde and Takeda are deserters and that you must have order in your ranks; however, we will need all the fighters we can get and from our previous – encounters – I know them both to be very capable men in that area.

"An' in other areas, oui, mon ami?" Del declaimed.

"Damn straight," Sulu agreed with a grin.

You should consider your priorities.” He paused, seeing his anger at her presumptuousness fade to irritation because she was, of course, correct in her assessment.

"Of course," Jim murmured. Jade hid her smile.

“Second,” she continued, “perhaps you haven’t considered the danger in keeping Takeda’s swords from him.

"He gonna unman you now?" Del chuckled.

"Twelve," was Sulu's only comment.

They are the life and soul of any Japaner. Not only will he kill each and every one of your men to get them back – or die trying – he’ll be a better fighter with them than with almost any other weapon I can think of. And that goes to point one; we need all the good fighters we can get.”

She saw his face flushing slightly. Yes, he knew how important Takeda’s swords were. That was one of the reasons he’d ordered them taken. He thought to use them as a way to control the Asian. He simply hadn’t figured on how unmanageable the loss of them might make the man. That made MeiLin smile ever so slightly, for it proved that John Claudius Kirk was an educated man, if not always a clear-headed one.

The laughter was muffled, with wary glances in the captain's direction.

Which was all to the good for her third point.

She took a deep breath and stepped closer to the Commodore. “Third, John, is the matter of leniency. Yes, these men are criminals according to your code of justice.

"Da," Chekov agreed with the pirate on the screen.

Yes, they deserted your ship when you needed them most.

"Da!"

But they can hardly be faulted for that,

"They most certainly can!"

"Shut up, ya moron," Del snapped.

considering how long they’ve gone without pay. And yes, I take my share of the blame for that.” She smiled, and even made it a touch sheepish.

"Oh, she wrappin' him 'round her li'l finger now."

“Such men are not put through the discipline of the service, as you and your officers were, John. It goes hard with them when they’ve no coin to spend on the release natural to a man after long months at sea. And they didn’t incite mutiny, they didn’t attempt to convince others to join them, or to take over your command.

"Da that, ya dumb fuck."

They took only what provision would keep them together in body and mind, and only for a short time at that, from the looks of it. And yes, your First Mate managed to escape the sorcerer – a valiant accomplishment to be sure –

Daffy nestled proudly against Chekov's arm. "You are so brave, bubee," she said happily.

but they apparently returned to danger in order to rescue a witch

"Vitch!" the audience corrected and Daffy scowled at them all.

"Keep it up and I'll lace the popcorn!" she threatened.

whose power, if turned against our endeavor, would by all accounts be a devastation, not only to our excursion, but to sailing in these waters for every Naval ship from now till eternity. For whatever reason, and whether you hold with superstition or not, John, Takeda can persuade her to work on our side. We need him and DelMonde to fight with us, not against us.”

"Truer words never been spoken," Del affirmed.

She looked up into Kirk’s eyes, her hands gently clasping his forearms.

"Ooh la la!"

"Here we go!"

“Tis a truly strong man who can show clemency when circumstances demand, John,” she whispered. “Tis not weakness, nor folly. Tis but proof of the steadfastness of your command, of the justice and righteousness of your greater cause. We’re at odds, you and I, because I know you in my heart to be a fair and stalwart man and the practices of the Royal Navy do you rough justice if any at all. Yet, even with what I can see in your eyes, you pursue me as is your duty – and fail to catch me because of what I see in your eyes.” Her voice became softer, more tremulous. “Do you see a lie in mine, John Kirk?”

There was a bare moment’s hesitation, a swallowing in his throat, a hurried pounding of his heart, then she was in his arms, kissing and being kissed with passionate abandon.

The audience burst into applause.

"Should we take a bow?" Jade whispered.

Jim only flushed.

She smiled under it, certain that Takeda would get his swords back, DelMonde would be released, and, if they survived their mission, neither would see more than a mild lashing.

"Thank you kindly, ma'am," Del called up to her.

"Boo, hiss!" Daffy countered.

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