A Meshuggunah Pirate Movie

by Cheryl Petterson
with snark interludes by Mylochka and Cher

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PAGE NINE

DelMonde paced, tried again to squeeze through the opening in the bars, cursed Také yet again, then paced some more. The thought of the fate that awaited him loomed in his mind and he shuddered, determined to make the Chinaman or his minions kill him before he would submit to castration.

“Which is not gonna happen,” his real life counterpart warned his peers adamantly.

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that,” Ruth advised.

As the minutes ticked away, he became more and more nervous and began muttering oaths in his native language, wishing the worst tortures he could think of on everyone he knew. But his mind kept returning to the image of a heated blade slicing his flesh.

The male contingent of the audience winced as one.

He knew it would be heated, to cauterize the wound so that he wouldn’t bleed to death.

“No need t’ get too detailed,” Del pleaded.

“God curse them all!” he muttered, and slammed his fist into the stone wall, heedless of the damage it would do. Then he immediately brought his knuckles to his mouth, sucking on the upbraided skin.

The engineer sighed and shook his head. “What a jackass...”

“Maybe you should watch footage of yourself more often,” Chekov suggested.

“Smack him fo’ me, Daffy.”

“Only when he’s wrong.”

“I saw him droolin’ at Monique while she had her shirt off,” the Cajun reported without missing a beat.

“Ow!” The navigator rubbed the back of his head ruefully. “You are the devil, Noel.”

He jumped at the sound of the door opening, blinking in surprise when the guards threw Chekov to the stone floor. “You next,” the guard said, crooking his finger at Del.

Uncharacteristically, DelMonde reached down, helping the Russian to his feet.

“You must be assuming the worst,” the navigator decided.

“I must,” his roommate agreed.

“What kind o’ poison did he feed you?” he whispered.

“The finest kind,” his real life counterpart supplied.

Chekov shook his head. “None,” he said. “The ‘meal’ was…”

“Quiet!” the guard shouted. “You! Come with us!”

“No poison?” Del asked again.

“That’s a matter of interpretation,” Ramon Ordona frowned.

His girlfriend hit him on the arm. “Ramon!”

There was a twisted scowl on Chekov’s face. “If you’re given the same choice I was…” he began, and the guards moved forward, shoving him out of the way, grabbing DelMonde’s arm.

“Now!” the guard insisted, and Del was dragged helplessly from the cell.

He struggled, twisting in the guards’ grip and was soon thrown into another cell. He landed on his buttocks and cursed them as the door closed behind them.

DelMonde frowned at the general laughter. “I not appreciatin’ bein’ comic relief.”

Suddenly, warm arms came around him from behind. “Monsieur DelMonde, pardonnez-moi, si vous plait!” came the murmured voice of the young French girl that had led them to capture.

Del twisted around, getting to his feet, intending to push her away. That intent was abruptly halted when he saw that she was half naked.

“Don’t stop now,” the Cajun advised his on screen persona. “Take your poison like a man.”

“What’s this?” he demanded, his eyes drinking in the sight of her. “My final meal? Th’ Chinaman got himself one fine sense o’ humor.”

“In that reality,” the engineer muttered.

“You’d better hope he does in this one too,” the First Officer’s wife returned archly.

Desireé blushed prettily. “Oui, monsieur,” she said. “I tried to change his mind about selling you to the Turks, but…” She shrugged helplessly, making her breasts bounce in a most tantalizing manner. “This is the best I could do,” she continued in a whisper.

“Ooh la la!”

“Daphne! I can’t see!”

Del grinned, though it was less than pleasant. “Oh, it best not be, cher,” he said.

Her expression became sultry and inviting. “Non, monsieur, je vous promets,” she breathed.

In moments, DelMonde had torn off his boots and pants and she had removed her own breeches.

“Monique!” Ordona protested.

“It’s just a movie, mon cher.”

Venez ici, ma petit chat,” he growled.

She did, and Del thought no more about heated blades save the one he thrust into Desireé’s soft, wet folds.

“DelMonde!” Ordona growled

“Jus’ a movie, Ray,” the engineer echoed, but had to add more quietly. “A fantastic motherfuckin’ movie.”

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

“My dear Lord Ming,” Sahin said as he gave a courtly bow to the sorcerer.

”Eeek!” Daphne Gollub clapped a hand over her mouth as if she were afraid the figures on screen would hear her. “Gage and the Boss in the same scene? This is a nightmare!’”

“My dear Yarbay Sahin,” Ming returned with ironic graciousness. “To what do I owe the honor of your visit to my island?”

“I wanted to congratulate you on your new acquisition, my friend,” Sahin said. He glanced around at the chamber, his eyes quickly seeking the Royal Navy chest.

”Oh, my, what lovely, lovely money you have…” DelMonde said, mocking the eager look on the character’s face.”

Ming chuckled. “Do you have spies everywhere, Yarbay?”

The Cajun snorted. “He a Haven, ain’t he?”

“I only know of your excellent tactics, Lord,” Sahin replied. “And since neither I nor any of the other pirates in these waters absconded with the pay of the Royal Navy…”

“Oh, that.” Ming made a dismissing gesture. “I do owe you for your own excellent tactics in spreading dissent.”

Sahin made another bow, this time one of thanks.

“But I have something that may be of more interest to your Sultan than mere sovereigns,” the sorcerer continued.

“And what, pray tell me, Lord, could possibly be of more interest to Sidi Ahmed?”

”More interestin' to a Haven than money?” the engineer asked derisively. “Mais, that gonna have t' be drugs, or…”

“Fine, handsome young men, for his harem or more – ah – personal use,” Ming returned, his dark eyes glittering in amusement.

To the general laughter that resulted from the film’s reply to his challenge, DelMonde frowned and crossed his arms. “All right now…”

“Indeed?” Sahin mused, stroking his beard. “If they’re young enough…”

”I not gonna play…” the Cajun said, shaking his head.

“One is certainly. Or at least,” Ming went on with a chuckle, “his form is slender enough for a boy.

Sulu shuddered and Jilla silently embraced him.

The others… does the Sultan favor sturdy Russians, or long and lanky Frenchmen?”

”Doesn’t look like you’re going to have a choice,” Ramon Ordana pointed out with a certain grim satisfaction.

Sahin made a show of considering. “Perhaps, if they were pliant enough. The tastes of the French are certainly well known to him.

“Tastes of the French?” Monique Dubois turned and glared at the Science Officer. “And what is that supposed to that mean?”

“I could not possibly tell you, Ensign,” the Vulcan replied. “I assure you that none of the dialogue originates with me."

That might gain his interest.”

“Or if not, as I said, Ahmed likes his eunuchs to be good-looking, does he not?” Ming asked, clearly with no real interest in the answer.

”I jus' gonna sit here,” the Cajun announced, crossing his arms and casting a significant glance in the direction of one particular audience member. “If some people gonna let this t'ing get outta hand…”

"Oh please," Daffy scoffed. "Some people wouldn't be interested in getting rid of the only useful part of..."

"Daphne!" Chkov scolded"

The chemist shrugged. "I'm just sayin'..."

"Well don't," Ruth called down.

“That he does, Lord,” Sahin restated.

”…Then it gonna be on you," Del finished. "I not sayin' no'ting t' egg nobody on…”

”As if.” That particular audience member sniffed and snuggled closer to her husband. “I’m just waiting for this boring part to be over so we can get back some real action with the pirates.”

Ming signaled to his guards, and as they left, asked, “Would you care for refreshment, Yarbay?”

“Yes, that would be lovely, my Lord,” Sahin replied. He made a show of drinking from the small porcelain cup another of Ming’s attendants brought him, knowing better than to actually ingest anything the sorcerer offered.

”That plomek soup can be a killer…” Daffy Gollub agreed.

He was more than uncomfortable without Faik at his side, but for some reason Lord Ming distrusted his Yüzbasi. And the man seemed to be having an inordinate amount of trouble with the captured beauty from the Sweetwater.

””Oh, completely inordinate, I’m sure…” Uhura laughed.

Sahin smiled to himself. He could well imagine the nature of that ‘trouble’ but could hardly blame his second in command. And since he had to negotiate with the sorcerer, why not let Faik have his fun? The gods knew such release was few and far between.

”Not in this movie..” Ramon Ordana commented sourly with a reproving look at his girlfriend.

"Oh, Ramon, do not be so plebeian," Monique sniffed.

When the guards returned with Ming’s prisoners, Sahin’s eyes lit up, even as he cocked his head toward his host. “You said there were three?”

One of the guards bowed his head. “There were only these, Lord Ming,” he murmured.

“Indeed?” Ming replied. “Monsieur DelMonde, where is your Asian friend?”

”Somewhere planning a timely rescue,” Chekov suggested hopefully. “With the most adamant good wishes of all his colleagues..”

“He not be likin your hospitality,” the Frenchman returned with a toothy smile and the guard holding him yanked hard on his arms, which were bound behind his back.

Ming turned to the other captive. “Where is Master Takeda, Lieutenant?”

“He escaped,” the Russian answered smugly. “And he will no doubt be bringing an armed party to free us.”

”We are counting on you, Sulu,” the Russian gave his helmpartner an encouraging thumbs up.

”I don’t know, Pavel.” The helmsman frowned at the idea of his character stepping into this particular scene with Gage. “The odds might be better in the next scene.”

“As fond as he is of you, Master Chekov?” Ming returned. “I doubt that. And brigands can’t be trusted, even by each other, can they, Monsieur DelMonde?”

The Frenchman – DelMonde – only growled.

”We not wantin' to see th' scene it look like they got comin' up after this one, mon ami,” the engineer informed him.

“With only two to offer Sidi Ahmed,” Sahin broke in smoothly, “I’m afraid you’ll have to yet part with some of your gold.” He smiled. “I beg your forgiveness, Lord Ming.”

”The Cajun shook his head. “Trust a Haven t' keep on barterin' even when he know he gettin' a good deal…”

Ming again made a dismissive gesture. “It is of little consequence, Yarbay. Do they meet with your approval?”

Sahin stepped up to DelMonde, lifting his chin, inspecting the planes of his face.

Del made a 'tsk' noise. “That fellow always did have a bit o' lech on fo' me… If th' man hadn’t been so gone on somebody I could name…”

”One more word,” Sulu interrupted, “and you don’t get rescued.”

“He is quite lovely,” he murmured. “A shame, though, that the young Asian you spoke of has gone missing.

”A big ol’ disappointment..” the Cajun concurred quietly.

But not quietly enough for his friend to frown. “Definitely not rescuing you.”

”Sulu!” Chekov protested. “I am not saying anything!”

While Sidi Ahmed might enjoy this one, his tastes are somewhat more – refined.” He ignored the anxious glare the Frenchman gave him, glancing over at the Russian. “That one, however, would make a sturdy little pony for the Sultan.”

“Sulu, please!”

He chuckled as the boy kept his eyes on the floor, a look of dour determination on his face. “I’ll take them both, with much grateful thanks, Lord Ming. And, say, one hundred sovereigns for the fish that got away?”

”Only a hundred sovereigns?” The Cajun shook his head. “He always losin' money on…”

”Enjoy the harem, Del,” the Enterprise’s helmsman said unsmilingly.

“Done,” Ming said and Sahin cursed himself. With such quick acquiescence, he knew his opening bid had been much too low. Still, it was a fair price nonetheless.

”A Haven being content with getting just a fair price?” Daffy Gollub shook her head. “This is fiction!”

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

It was decided that Kirk and MeiLin would go aboard the Kirat, both of them knowing the lay of the ship better than any member of their respective crews. The Commodore took off his heavy uniform jacket for ease and stealth,

There were catcalls and whistled from the women in the audience.

but MeiLin declined to follow suit, mentioning casually that she wore no blouse beneath it.

"Boo! Hiss!" came from the men.

She caught the flare of interest in Kirk’s eyes and smiled to herself, keeping her reaction to the smooth skin revealed by his shirt - which fell slightly open as he removed his coat - private as well.

"Ooh la la!"

Saber and sword in hand, the two captains used one of the Raven’s skiffs to make their way out to the Kirat.

Climbing aboard was easy: The crew had left the rope ladder down for Sahin’s return. With Kirk in the lead, they crept around the deck, watchful for the crew.

Ruth began humming the well-known opening music from a famous series of spy movies.

"Kirk. James Kirk," Del snorted.

It seemed the corsairs took full advantage of the absence of their captain to enjoy themselves, either at the aft of the ship, relishing the cool sea breeze, or below decks.

"Just like Havens," Sulu remarked and Sakura giggled.

From the sounds, there were other captives. Kirk’s eyes hardened. It galled him to have to leave others prisoner, but if they had any hope of finding Miss Freedom, they could not risk any kind of full-scale assault.

"Not to worry, captain," Del called. "Havens treat their prisoners real good."

There was only one crewman on the foredeck, in front of the above deck cabins. He seemed to be the only one industrious, swabbing the planks on his hands and knees.

"Bet he offended Sahin," Sulu offered.

"Or interrupted Faik," Uhura countered.

"Much more likely , mon ami," Del agreed with a chuckle.

Kirk signaled to MeiLin, and they both darted forward, Kirk catching the man around the waist, lifting him upright, while MeiLin placed her sword against his throat.

"Go Jade!" Ruth yelled, then shrugged. "Well, she is my captain."

“You have an African woman as prisoner,” Kirk whispered. “Where is she?”

“Tell us quickly and quietly and I’ll not be forced to cut your throat,” MeiLin added.

"Go Jade!" Sakura and Tara echoed, then started giggling.

The Turk’s eyes were bulging out of his head, and his Adam’s apple bobbed before he spoke.

Yüzbasi Faik has her, in his cabin?” he croaked.

"Naturally," Uhura noted.

“Where?” Kirk asked.

The man pointed behind him. MeiLin nodded, eased her blade away, and Kirk swiftly used the butt of his saber on the back of the man’s head. He went down without a sound.

The captain's real crew applauded him.

After a quick glance around, they moved toward the door the man had indicated.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

“What was that?” Coriander hissed, lifting her head from Faik’s chest.

"Jim Kirk comin' to save your ass," Del informed the screen.

"It doesn't want or need saving," Uhura informed him.

The Turk kissed her shoulder. “The creak of the hull, my beauty,” he murmured.

“No, it sounded like…” She gasped and jumped up from his bunk, holding her hands across her naked breasts.

The males in the audience booed.

"Whyfo' you gotta be so modest, honey?" Del summed up their opinion

Faik, too, sat up, then his eyes widened at the two figures that burst into his cabin, weapons drawn.

“Unhand that woman!” Commodore Kirk demanded.

"Yeah, move her hands!" Del seconded.

Uhura turned in her seat. "Should I tell Tomor about that?" she asked sweetly.

Ruth cackled at DelMonde's frown.

"She gets us all eventually," Sulu said, though he, too, was grinning.

“John, I’m not sure she wants to be unhanded,” Captain Han said as she entered behind him.

"You always were a smart woman, Jade," Uhura complimented.

“And just what is it you think you’re doin’!” Cori hissed indignantly.

Faik chuckled at the look of astonishment that came into the Commodore’s eyes.

“Uh – rescuing you, Miss Freedom,” he said.

“And what God-cursed idiot said I wanted rescuin’?”

“That would be your Mistress,” Han replied calmly.

“I swear, I be settin’ island plagues on her interferin’…”

"Hey, how was I supposed to know!" Daffy complained as she was suddenly pelted with popcorn.

"Yeah, you too busy hidin' your eyes an' 'eekin' ' whenever ol' Gage appear to notice it her man that handlin' her," Del chortled.

“She thought you were in danger,” Kirk interrupted. “And can you blame her?”

"Yes," commented several people at once.

"Do not worry, Dafshka," Chekov murmured to her, "I will protect you."

Daffy shoved a handful of popcorn down his tunic.

“He has a point, my beauty,” Faik said, as unruffled as Han. Coriander scowled, reaching for her skirt as Faik casually donned his pants.

Ruth leaned down to Uhura. "Three feet?" she giggled.

"Of steel, sugar," Uhura assured.

“You can tell Mistress Rosen,” Cori began again, “that I be fine right where I am.”

“Not on a bet,” MeiLin muttered, and Kirk scowled.

“’Tis my duty to bring you back to your employer, Miss Freedom. If you wish to arrange matters differently, you’ll have to strike a bargain with her.”

"Herbert!"

“But I’m not wantin’…” the dark-skinned woman said, and Faik took her in his arms.

“Let me make it easier for you,” he said with a half smile. “Yarbay Sahin won’t like what I want much. I find myself growing increasingly dissatisfied with the Sultan’s rule. Perhaps I’ll just be goin’ with you, my beauty. What say you to that?”

The audience exploded into cheers and applause.

"Hot damn!" Ruth grinned. "I love Havens!"

Coriander inhaled sharply. “You’d be doin’ that for me, Kaan?” she whispered.

“I’d be doin’ anything for you, my dusky spice,” the large man said sincerely.

"Awwww.....!"

"Sidewalk crouches at her feel, like a dog that begs fo' somet'ing sweet," Del sang.

Ruth joined him, laughing.

"Do you hope to make her see you, fool? Do you hope to pluck this dusky jewel?”

"Hello, I Love You, by The Doors, I believe," Spock said to his wife. She smiled at him.

"I gonna puke," Del muttered.

Kirk glanced at Han. She cocked her head, lifting an eyebrow. He sighed, and shrugged. “So be it?” he asked.

“So be it,” she replied.

Then they both looked away as Coriander threw her arms around Faik and favored him with a long, passionate kiss.

There were more applause and Uhura rose, bowing.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

“Gods curse you, Moscow, what is it you got that make men wanna have their way with you?” DelMonde muttered as he and Chekov were led in chains to the Kirat.

"His big, innocent brown eyes and soft welcoming..." Sulu began.

Chekov glared at him and he shrugged, his own eyes twinkling.

"I not see it," Del disagreed, but he, too, was grinning.

“For the last time,” Chekov returned, his voice a barely controlled growl, “I do NOT allow men to have their way with me! Need I remind you that I am behind you, my hands are bound in front of me, and I could beat you silly with my fists before these damned corsairs could stop me?”

"You tell him, bubee!" Daffy encouraged.

"Didn't you just shove popcorn..." Chekov began.

"That was then," Daffy informed him with a toss of her hair.

Del glanced over his shoulder with a sneer of disdain. “You go on an’ try it’ charonge,” he snarled back.

“You two!” one of the Turk guards snapped. “No talking!”

"Shut th' fuck up, motherfuckin' Haven sombitch!" Del snapped, while at the same time Chekov growled,

"Zatknis', idi na hooy!"

Both men retorted rudely in their respective native tongues,

And the audience laughed.

which only provoked the guard into hitting them with a short, braided cat o’ nine tails.

“You make me a promise, ‘ey, Chekov?” Del murmured. “If they do cut me, you kill me, n'est-ce pas?”

“Only if you will do the same for me if I am sold to be the Sultan’s plaything,” the Russian glowered.

As they were pulled along toward the beach, neither noticed the two figures hidden behind the palm fronds.

"Cue mysterious music," Ruth ordered the screen.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

The plan was a relatively simple one. Faik didn’t like it much, but Coriander insisted that Master Pytor had never been anything but respectful and kind to her, and she felt obliged to help him if she could.

"Spasiba, Uhura," Chekov said.

The Communications officer smiled at him. "They're giving you enough of a hard time, sugar."

“’Sides, there be only two of ‘em,” she said. “Once I’ve distracted ‘em, it be an easy enough thing for you to overpower them.”

Faik had grunted, but took his place behind a large palm tree at the edge of the beach. As the corsairs and their prisoners cleared the main part of the jungle, Coriander made her entrance. Clad only in a brilliant red skirt and a small vest that did nothing to cover her ample, brown breasts,

Whoops and hollers and cat calls greeted her appearance, and once again, Uhura stood and bowed.

Monique stood and they high-fived.

she took a few staggering steps towards the Turks. She raised one arm to her head as if about to be overcome by her weakness.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

The corsair who was holding DelMonde’s lead chain halted abruptly at the sight of the island girl about to swoon, then started quickly toward her.

"Yeah, that why he goin'," Del smirked. "Cause she swoonin'."

Del leaned slightly to see around him, one eyebrow rising lightly in interest. He heard Chekov’s murmured, “What is she doing here?” and the Turk behind them began pushing past them.

“That Cori from Sweetwater, non?” the Frenchman whispered.

“Yes. She’s Daphne – Mistress Rosen’s assistant,” the Russian returned. “But I don’t understand what…”

Their conversation stopped as a large Turk appeared, saber in hand.

“Ah, there you are, my fine beauty!” he said, and the other corsairs turned to him.

Yüzbasi, did this wench…?” one began, but he never got to finish his question as the taller man handily dispatched him.

"He does love his work," Sulu chuckled.

The remaining guard aimed his pistol and the man who had been addressed as Yüzbasi gave him a grin that was frightening and intimidating even to the prisoners. The corsair wavered…

And it was long enough for Commodore Kirk and Captain MeiLin Han to jump him, wrestling him to the ground with ease. Coriander ran into the large Turk’s arms, and he actually picked her up off the sand in a passionate embrace.

“Commodore, thank God!” Chekov shouted.

“Commodore, mere de duin,” DelMonde cursed.

"Suck-up!"

"Kiss-ass!"

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

Chekov was unchained first, much to Del’s discomfort. As the large Turk began to pry at the heavy collar around the Frenchman’s neck, Kirk stepped up to him.

“Give me one good reason, Master DelMonde,” he began sternly, “why I shouldn’t clap you in irons myself. You deserted my ship, you stole supplies, and, truth be told, you were never that good a crewman to begin with.”

You motherfuckin' son of a..." Del began hotly, only to be interrupted by his captain's stern,

"Watch your language, Mr. DelMonde."

“You can take your ship an’ your crew an’…” Del began hotly.

“I’d guard my tongue, if I were you, mister,” Kirk warned.

The audience quickly stifled their chuckles.

“Commodore, leave him be,” MeiLin called. She was standing over the corsairs, having neatly tied them with the rope that had bound Chekov. “We have more important things to worry about.”

“What is more important than punishing a traitor and a mutineer?” Chekov wanted to know. He himself was standing a short way away, his arms folded in smug satisfaction.

"Damn, T'Paul, you get any stiffer an' they be birds takin' a crap on your shoulders," Del muttered.

“Hmmm, let me think, Master Chekov,” the pirate captain responded. “There’s the missing sovereigns. Sahin won’t be pleased at losing his First Mate and a very saleable wench – no offense, Cori.”

“None taken,” the African replied.

"You tell 'im, Jade!" Del agreed.

"A little taken," Uhura contradicted her on-screen self.

“Nor will he appreciate losing two comely prizes for his Sultan,” MeiLin continued. “And as he’s still with the Chinaman, it might be best to concentrate on that before you take the time to keelhaul Monsieur DelMonde.”

"Yeah, be t'inkin' 'bout that," Del again agreed.

“Well thought out, Captain,” the Commodore agreed grudgingly. “But I assure you, DelMonde, there will be just retribution for your perfidy.”

Del grunted, and the collar was removed. “What about my hands?” he asked gruffly.

“You’ll be less likely to run with them tied,” Chekov said archly.

"Jus' 'cause you need 'em to move," the engineer commented, then made ape-like grunting sounds.

"So rude," was Chekov's mild response.

Del scowled at him.

“What about Také?” he muttered.

"Yeah, what happened to me?" Sulu asked the screen.

“The same will go for him when we find his worthless hide,” Kirk assured. He glanced at Chekov. “Lieutenant, I’m putting you in charge of making sure this brigand doesn’t escape again.”

“Aye, Commodore,” the Russian replied crisply. “You may rely on me.”

“Boot-lick,” DelMonde growled.

"Suck-up."

"Ass-kiss."

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

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