A Meshuggunah Pirate Movie

by Cheryl Petterson
with snark interludes by Mylochka and Cher

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PAGE THREE

The announcement that their pay had been stolen caused a rumble through the crew of the Enterprise. It was only the Commodore’s righteous anger and his orders that the great ship search the area where the wreckage of the dinghy had been found that prevented a ship-wide mutiny. The weather was clear and so Kirk ordered night patrols.

It was exactly the moment René DelMonde had been waiting for. He wasn’t sanguine about the lack of swag to bankroll his escape from the Royal Navy, but the fact that the ship’s officers would be very busy, and the great ship herself would be running without lights was too good a opportunity to let pass.

He outlined his plan in whispers to his fellow mutineer.

At the word, Sulu and Ruth both groaned.

"We can hide out at one of those li’l islands nearby,” he whispered as the two made their way across the darkened deck. Takeda had his saber out. “No one bother us long as we stay close to the ghost island.”

“That’s not safe,” Takeda muttered.

Del snorted. “The ol’ Chinaman, he not bother us none neither... leastways if we take enough gunpowder, he not."

He grinned at his Asian friend. Takeda didn’t grin back, and he shrugged.

“Wit’ all them ol’ weapons in your cabin, you t’ink you not mind a li’l bitty black powder,” Del said.

“Historically, the Japanese of that century did not approve of such weaponry,” Chekov put in.

“Unless your name was Oda,” Sulu answered.

He took a quick glance over the railing. The ship’s small boats had been made ready for the patrols, and there was one just below him.

“Come on,” he said.

Del slipped agilely over the side, climbing into the rowboat as Takeda quietly turned the lanyard sheave that held the small boat to the ship. The splash of the water was faint, as was the nearly silent thud of the Asian’s feet as he leapt over the side to land beside DelMonde. Together they loosed the lanyard, fastened the oars, and began to row away from the Enterprise.

“All them details gotta be from Master an’ Commander back there,” Del commented wryly.

“Why, thank you, Mr. DelMonde,” Kirk returned with a grin.

“Or from the history-geek,” Ruth added, smiling at Sulu.

The helmsman shrugged.

“Or my Pavel,” Daffy continued proudly.

Chekov blushed.

“He not a geek,” Del muttered. “He a robot.”

DelMonde pointed out away from the port side of the ship. There were several darker patches across the dark ocean, clearly the shorelines of the many small islands dotting the waves. The Moon was setting, giving just enough light to navigate by.

“That one there be WaqWaq,” he murmured, and frowned when the man in front of him made some kind of gesture. “You wardin’ off evil Také?” he asked derisively.

There were snickers from the audience, and Daffy said “Naw, couldn’t be. You’re still there,” and was rewarded with a snort of amusement from Chekov.

“Better safe,” his companions replied.

“I safe wit’ this,” Del replied, patting the pistol in his belt. Takeda made a sour face. “I know, you Japaners not much care fo’ firearms,” he chuckled.

“See, I told you,” Chekov said, and was immediately pelted with popcorn from all sides.

“Give me a good katana any day,” Takeda said, and his teeth flashed white in the blackness. “It can cut right through the barrel of that noisemaker faster than you can load it.”

“I heard them tales,” Del mused.

“It’s true,” Sulu replied.

Del raised an impressed eyebrow. “Can it cut through phasers, too?”

“I’ve never tried it, but I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Phasers are made from much stronger material than…” Chekov began.

“Shut up, ya robot,” Del snapped.

Del grunted. “I’ve heard those tales,” he admitted.

The crowd burst into laughter as Ruth crowed, “Caught you, Del!”

“They’re not tales,” the Asian assured him,

“Caught you too, Roy!”

with the quiet tone that Del had learned to recognize. It was absolute surety. When Také sounded like that, there was no argument to be had.

“Oh we all know that tone,” Daffy smirked.

Sulu scowled at her, and Jilla took his hand.

“It is a compliment,” she said. “It recognizes your knowledge and intelligence.”

“And his touchy samurai pride,” Ruth added, then shrugged as Sulu turned his scowl on her.

Mais, you not have one o' them pretty things,” he returned.

“Oh, don’t I?” Takeda grinned. He reached down, sliding out a long, oil-cloth wrapped bundle. “I put it in here while you were checking the duty watch.”

“I always said you were smarter than you look,” Del teased.

He heard the Asian’s soft chuckle,

“So much for touchy samurai pride,” Sulu declared.

then they both fell silent for a time as they concentrated on rowing and steering the small boat towards what the Navy called ‘King’s Isle’ – WaqWaq to the natives of these waters.

“WhackWhack?” Daffy questioned dubiously.

“WahkWahk,” Uhura corrected.

“WhackWhack th’ sound your hand make to th’ back o’ T-Paul’s head,” Del chuckled.

It was said to be haunted, a devil’s place of dark magic and heathen souls. Being pretty much a heathen himself, it had never spooked DelMonde. But its reputation would make sure no one would be eager to search there for them.

As the island grew closer, he noticed Také staring up at the stars above them. There was a strange look on his face.

“You hear somet’ing?” he asked, just as Také murmured,

“Do you hear that?”

Del listened. “I hear waves,” he finally returned. “Why? You hearin’ somet’ing else?”

“It sounds like….” The man drew in a deep breath. “…a song. A call. Can’t you hear it?”

Del frowned. “I not hear…” he began.

“Hey, who th’ damn telepath?” Del muttered.

“Apparently not you,” Ruth giggled.

“Unless it’s a particular – call…” Daffy said with a significant glance at Jilla. The Indiian looked confused. “Y’know, the once-every-seven-years kinda call?”

Jilla flushed and Sulu glared at the chemist.

“Shut up, Daf,” he muttered.

“This WaqWaq where Mr. Merciless s’posed to be, non?” Del added with a wicked grin.

“Shut up, Del,” Sulu repeated.

“It’s coming from WaqWaq,” Takeda announced, and began rowing in earnest.

Seeing as how that was where he wanted to go anyway, DelMonde kept silent and rowed along with him. A shiver went down his spine. Maybe that island haunted after all, he thought, and his frown increased.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

Iere waited until the foreign sorcerer left her alone in his sky-room.

There were loud whistles and calls of appreciation from the audience. Jilla glowed brightly and Sulu again let her bury her head against him, glaring at everyone around him.

The bars of her cage glowed with the magic with which he had imbued them, keeping her trapped and unable to use all but the faintest breath of her powers. She closed her eyes, praying silently to the Goddess of the Beautiful Waters, to whom she had dedicated her life since her first blood. She had none of her tools, no offering to give. She shivered at the thought of the shrine she had attended so faithfully in the hands of the minions of the Evil One. Yet she knew Kalaoucera would hear her pleas; She would understand how helpless Her Priestess had been in the hour of her capture, deep in the trance that would Call a new Priest to replenish Her people and bring forth the next generation of Priestesses.

“You think she’ll be more receptive to mitigating circumstances than Aema?” Ruth whispered to Spock.

“I believe that would be dependant on the thought patterns of whoever is responsible for deciding the nature of this character,” the Vulcan replied.

Jade made a note on her statboard.

“Nex’ generation o’ priestesses, huh?” Del mused. “You want kids, Sulu, non?”

The helmsman glared at him and Chekov snorted. Jade made another notation.

Iere knew the Evil One had not been in answer to that ritual, for she had not yet sent the Call when he and his henchmen had appeared, killing those of the people who had been charged to watch over her in her meditations. They had taken her, naked, from the pool of Dark Water and had kept her captive ever since. It had been a full two moons, one since the sorcerer had altered his strategy from seduction to threat. Iere had not responded, would not respond to either.

“That’s my girl,” Sulu murmured.

She stared out of the bars of her prison to the arched windows beyond. The moonlight was fading. When the last rays touched the horizon, there would be the slightest chance she could send the Call, even without proper preparations.

She gathered her power to her, whispering the words of the Incantation, beseeching Kalaoucera to hear Her lost Priestess. She summoned the light of the Beautiful Waters, closed her eyes, and sent forth all her magic.

Kalaoucera, let there be one worthy to hear!

Nearly everyone in the make-shift theater turned, pointing at Sulu. He grinned back, causing Ruth, Uhura, Daffy, Sakura and Monique to giggle in varying degrees of affection. Chekov and DelMonde coughed and sneezed “Casanova” and “Don Juan.”

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

The Raven had gotten close enough to positively identify the ship Riko had seen: it was the Kirat, the Corsair ship captained by the Turk, Azim Sahin. With a flurry of orders, the Raven’s crew had armed themselves and the ship, hiding various weapons and things that could be used as weapons among the barrels and ropes and other equipment, both above decks and below. The small cannons were primed and loaded, all of them aimed at the Kirat. Cat watched warily as the two ships floated closer together. Riko, a tough black, Jasmine Ryan,

“It’s you, it’s you!” came the chorus from the audience.

Tara Ryan flushed and shook her head. Daffy stuck out her tongue at everyone all at once.

the daughter of a former African slave, and several other of MeiLin’s best fighters were in the rigging, hidden behind the sails, available to rain death down if the Turks tried anything.

It was with a sigh of disappointment that Cat saw the white flag go up under the red of the Ottoman Empire with its white crescent moon and seven-pointed star.

”God’s death, a flag of truce!” she complained to her Captain.

“Poor darlin’, no brawl today,” Del called with mock sympathy.

MeiLin shrugged and put her fingers in her mouth, whistling a ‘stand-down’ signal that she knew would appease the Turks while not actually ordering her crew to be any less wary.

McCoy gave a loud snort of amusement as Jim murmured to Jade, “I didn’t know you could whistle.”

“I can do a great many things you don’t yet know about, James,” was the doctor’s enigmatic comment, which only made McCoy snort again.

She waited, hands on hips, while ropes were sent across the two vessels to keep them together, and a plank was laid across the Kirat to the Raven. The two men who crossed that plank were well known to her, the handsome, urbane, never-obsequious Yarbay – the commander of the vessel – Azim Sahin, and his second, Yüzbasi Kaan Faik. Both wore the clothing of western brigands, though MeiLin had never seen the tall, broad-chested Faik with a shirt on.

“EEK!” Daffy abruptly squeaked and buried her head in Chekov’s chest.

Uhura gave a sultry smile and started fanning herself.

“Havens,” Sulu muttered. “I should have known.”

"Well, after Daffy said the corsairs sounded like Havens, yeah," Ruth shrugged. Sulu just shook his head.

“Isn’t that Gage?” Sakura murmured to him.

“And his bodyguard,” Chekov added dourly.

"Ah, my dear Captain Han, I’m so glad you realize we come as no threat to you,” Sahin began with no preliminary greeting. “There needs be no hostility between us. We just came to congratulate you on stealing the Enterprise's payroll..."

Cat frowned, but a swift glare from her Captain kept her silent.

“And to try and gouge a share from us?” MeiLin asked bluntly. With the Turks, she had learned it was best never to give anything away – and that the best defense was a good offense.

“I wonder whose knowledge o’ Havens she drawin’ on,” Del drawled.

Sulu scowled at him as Daffy turned and hissed, “shut up!”

Sahin smiled at her. “If such a consideration could be arranged, I’m certain Sidi Ahmed would be greatly pleased.” He bowed a little at the mention of the great Sultan’s name.

“And just how pleased would he be, Yarbay,” Cat cut in, making the Turkish rank sound about equivalent to ‘sea-rat.’

“Not womprat?” Spock murmured softly, and Ruth made a face, though her eyes were smiling.

Faik took a menacing step forward, but Sahin held up a hand.

“Pleased enough to give you leave in these waters once we have conquered them,” he replied.

Cat snorted, but MeiLin only gave the Turk a coolly appraising look.

“And what’s that worth in gold and silver?” she questioned.

“Two Valleys and one and a half Majiirs,” Daffy cackled, evoking raised eyebrows and glowers from the respective husbands of Valjiir.

Sahin gestured. “Why, the untold wealth of these islands – minus the Sultan’s share, of course.”

“Of course,” Han echoed dryly. “While I appreciate the offer, Azim,” she continued, deliberately using his given name, “I think I’ll wait on that until these waters are actually in danger of coming into your Sultan’s possession.”

There were whoops of “Go Jade!” and “That’s tellin’ ‘em!”

Cat sniggered. Faik growled.

The Turk waved this away. “As you wish, my dear.” He paused, his hand coming to his chin to stroke his neat beard. “But surely there must be something we can do for you.” He snapped his fingers. “I know. We can work together to rid ourselves of that annoying Kirk altogether.” He showed his teeth. “After all, there's no reason why we can't be friends."

“I wonder what gonna be ‘on th’ house’ fo’ her,” Del chuckled. Sakura giggled and Sulu glared at him.

"She might not object to a quick 'shiver me timbers' or two," Daffy mused, glancing over her shoulder at the doctor.

Jade stared back coolly.

McCoy chuckled, giving Jim's arm a suggestive punch.

MeiLin glanced at Cat. Her First Mate was almost quivering with unabashed delight. She thought quickly. It certainly would be to her advantage not to have to worry about the Royal Navy. And, from what Sahin had said, someone had snagged the Royal pay chest – again. Which meant Kirk’s crew would be close to mutiny. Easy pickings – and the Turk need never know that the Raven hadn’t been responsible. It would mean they’d demand a greater share of any booty gotten from such an endeavor, but it was possible that she could find out just where all those British sovereigns had gone, and that would be more compensation than her crew could wish for.

She smiled. “Perhaps an exchange of information, for a start,” she suggested.

“Ah, a woman who haggles,” Sahin said with true satisfaction. “Madam, you are a captain after my own heart.”

MeiLin gave an acknowledging nod, and kept her thought – that she wished there was another ship’s commander after her heart – quite to herself.

Jade controlled her flush as the spectators all began commenting at once. At least, she noted, Jim was flushing as well.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

Pytor had spent a miserable night in his cell.

“Good,” commented his roommate.

Once the sun had gone down, it grew quickly chilly, and his captor hadn’t bothered with the niceties of blankets or pillows. Eerie shadows seemed to hover about the windows, but the stalwart Russian was not one to be frightened of something so insubstantial. He had expected the lovely Desireé to come as she had said,

The navigator received a sound smack for his on-screen doppleganger’s wish.

but the sky was lightening and there had been no sign of her, nor any sound except the murmured exchanges of passing guards outside the heavy door. He hadn’t touched the food in the bowl she had left, not quite trusting the slop, though it was no worse than what he’d seen some of the crew eat. As an officer, he had fared better.

“Suck-up!” “Kiss-Ass!”

He was pacing in his cell when he heard the sound of the bolt being pulled back and the key in the lock of the door.

“I’m sure I don’t know, ma cherie,” he heard Desireé’s sultry voice, “but mon seigneur said to get the bowl now. Perhaps he can scry in the leavings, non?”

“Ew, that just sounds wrong,” Gollub opined.

"There have been many cultures that attempt to discern the future in the random appearances of foodstuffs," Chekov began.

"We not need no history lecture, ya dumb fuck," Del interrupted.

"You would know better about such fortune telling, would you not, Noel?" the Russian replied, and Daffy giggled.

"Point to you, bubee."

The guard’s reply was muttered and the door began to swing open, he caught a flash of the girl’s hand, motioning him forward, then she gasped, “What was that?!” Her hand disappeared around the doorframe and Pytor moved silently forward. He dropped to his hands and knees when he reached the massive door and he stuck his head out, glancing around it.

“Cut that ugly t'ing off, Stell,” DelMonde suggested.

Desireé was at the far end of a short corridor, pointing at something he couldn’t see. The guard leaned toward her, clearly searching for the sound of the noise she’d heard. With a grim smile, Pytor crept through the doorway. He saw her hand motioning him backward, and he moved with all stealth into the shadows along the far wall.

“Oh, it was a rat!” Desireé exclaimed with a sigh of relief.

“Not not'ing but the truth,” the engineer agreed.

"Thank god it's not the swamp variety," Daffy snapped at him with a fierce glare.

“Or womp," Spock commented quietly to his wife, who beamed at him.

She turned, smiling flirtatiously up at the guard. “It was so good of you to chase it away,” she breathed, and entwined her arms around the guard’s neck, kissing him.

Amidst catcalls from the audience, Ruth had to giggle. “Oh, Stell, if Alana sees this…”

She put her whole body into it, and Pytor looked away, embarrassed at her blatancy. Then she pulled away with a murmured “Mmmm….” and turned back to the cell door.

“I’ll be just a moment, mon amour," she whispered, and hurried into the cell, returning just as quickly with the bowl, shutting the door just as the guard reached it.

“He didn’t eat a thing,” she pouted. “Perhaps he does not enjoy my cooking, non? Mais, mon seigneur won’t like that!” She turned, undulating away as the guard relocked and re-bolted the door.

“Your woman a fine actress, Ray,” Del said to Ordona who was currently glaring at the Engineer’s very vocal appreciation of his girlfriend’s performance. “A fine, fine, fine actress.”

She passed Pytor without so much as a glance, but again, her hand signaled that he should follow. He moved as carefully as he could, and when they had both rounded the corridor, Desireé set down the bowl and whispered, “Hurry! This way!”

“A very effective stratagem,” Chekov couldn’t resist complimenting Dubois despite the smack it cost him.

He got to his feet and moved after her.

She led him through a seeming labyrinth of halls, stopping frequently to listen, then scurrying forward. At one such stopping point, Chekov heard the murmured voice of Lord Ming and he shuddered – but then was caught by another voice. It was soft and melodic, though it sounded in some distress – and it was definitely feminine.

“See what I have procured for you?” Ming was saying. “I will give you all of it, every last sovereign, if you will but reveal the secrets of your people.”

“I can’t hear the dialogue over you grinding your teeth, Roy,” Daffy complained.

“Even if I would do so shameful a thing,” the woman responded, “it would do you no good. Only the true followers of Kalaoucera can call upon Her sacred power.”

“This treasure could gain your people much,” Ming returned. “It would amply compensate them for the loss of one lone priestess.” The silky voice became even softer, more seductive.

“It sure does,” Ruth said, snuggling closer to her husband.

“I gonna puke here,” Del muttered.

“Life here with me could be made quite pleasant for you, Iere,” he murmured. There was a pause, in which the woman was silent. Ming’s voice hardened. “Or even more uncomfortable than it has been thus far. The choice is yours.”

“Oy, the grinding!”

Whoever the young woman was, she was clearly just as much a captive as himself. Pytor’s chivalry welled within him

“Oh, yeah, he welled up as all hell,” the Cajun observed.

Gollub glared at him, then at her boyfriend who was flushing a bright pink.

and he started forward and Desireé pulled sharply on his arm. He began a protest and she placed her hand against his lips, shaking her head urgently. He glanced helplessly over his shoulder as the French girl pulled him along the corridor.

After a few more twists and turns, she came to a large tapestry and moved it aside, tapping out a quick rhythm on the stones behind it. As if by magic, the stones shimmered, then vanished to reveal an arched opening.

“Hurry!” she repeated, and Chekov stepped into the passageway behind her. She bent, picking up a small lantern, lighting it with the flint in its base. The dim illumination revealed nothing but stone behind him and he blinked and put his hand out. The wall behind him was again solid.

Shivering, he said, “What is…?”

“You not able t' recognize a force field wit' a projection cloak, ya dumbfuck?” DelMonde scoffed.

“Certainly,” his roommate replied. “But I would think that’s a bit of an anachronism…”

“Shh!” his girlfriend hushed.

“Shhh!” she silenced him.

The audience laughed and Monique turned to frown at Daffy.

“We must hurry. Follow me, it is a long way down and the stairs are treacherous.”

“Who was the woman with…” Pytor began.

“Fool!” Desireé hissed. “What do you care for the fate of a wretched islander? She’s a witch, that’s all you need to know!”

“A witch?” he repeated in feigned disbelief, and fought the urge to cross himself.

“Yes, a vitch,” DelMonde chuckled. “A wery vinsome vitch.”

"Stop making fun of him!" Daffy ordered.

"Yeah, she's the only one who gets to do that," Ruth called.

"Damn straight!" the chemist agreed fiercely.

Mon seigneur tries to make her cast her spells for him. If he succeeds, the entire sea will come under his sway. And then, there will not be an ocean big enough to keep us safe from him!”

“Then should we not also try to rescue her?”

“Yes!” Sulu agreed through clenched teeth. Jilla was whimpering softly, and he pulled her closer to him. “Now!”

Desireé turned to him, her blue eyes blazing. “This is my only chance to escape him,” she said. “If you want to go back, be my guest.”

Jaw tightening, Chekov turned and started back up the passageway.

“Good man,” his helmpartner nodded.

"Thank you, Sulu," the Russian acknowledged.

"Kiss-Ass!" DelMonde grinned, then ignored Sulu's glare.

“Wait!” Desireé called, her voice strained. “What if you tell your captain? What if we come back in force? Would that not be a better plan?”

Pytor paused. He hated to think of the poor young woman in the Chinaman’s clutches – but he also hated to imagine what the man would do to him and to Desireé if they were recaptured.

Someone who was very probably Del began to make chicken noises.

“Please, Pytor Chekov,” Desireé pleaded. “I can’t go back there alone, I can’t!”

Pytor was torn, but when faced with a choice between an unknown woman’s plight, and that of the one right before him…

He sighed, and nodded. Desireé continued down the dank passageway and, after another glance over his shoulder, Pytor followed.

Sulu joined the chorus of chicken sounds.

“It isn’t really me!” the navigator protested. “Although retreat does have obvious strategic advantages…”

The clucking noises grew louder.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

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