A Meshuggunah Pirate Movie

by Cheryl Petterson
with snark interludes by Mylochka and Cher

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PAGE TWO

He awoke in a small, dank cell.

Gollub turned and stuck her tongue out. “He got better.”

His hair and clothing were dry, and he realized he must have been unconscious for hours. Cautiously he raised his head, wincing at the pain that thundered in his temples.

“You! Stand and face the wall!” a strangely accented voice shouted at him.

DelMonde gave another evil laugh. “He may regret it, though.”

Chekov got to a sitting position. “I am Lieutenant Pytor Chekov of Her Majesty’s Royal Navy and I demand…” he began defiantly.

“I know who you are,’ the voice returned, along with the sound of a key in the metal lock. A tall man with bright reddish-orange hair swung the heavy wooden door open. “Lord Ming wants you. Turn around.”

“Don’t you dare!” Gollub growled.

"Stell?" Ruth said in surprise.

Spock glanced at her. "You know him?"

"He was with me on my Hawkeye Run when I was a cadet, remember?"

The Vulcan raised an eyebrow, scrutinizing the face on the screen. "Ah. The young male who was courting Miss Phere."

"Dr. Phere," Ruth corrected, then added, "I wonder if she's gonna show up too?"

“Who is Lord Ming?" Jilla asked.

Sulu was frowning. "The emperor of Mongo," he replied. He became aware of Ruth’s gaze on him. “What?” he said.

"There'd better not be a Chinese Princess Aurelia," the Antari said warningly

"Who?” Jilla blinked, glowing faintly at the emanation of immediate desire from her lover.

Sulu scowled at Ruth. "Never mind, hon,” he said.

Ignoring his own weakness, Chekov immediately rushed at the man,

“Ha!” Gollub crowed.

only to be stopped by a strength that was easily twice his own.

“Ha ha!” DelMonde retorted.

His right wrist was grabbed as he was spun around and he felt ropes tying his hands together behind his back. The man spoke not another word to him as he was pushed out of the cell and up stairs, through twisting corridors to a small stone room.

“Bozhe moi,” Chekov breathed. “I am certainly glad this isn’t my real life.”

Seated in a throne-like chair at the back of the room was another tall man, with long hair as black as midnight. He wore the dragon-printed tunic of the Orient – and curled at his feet, wearing golden slave cuffs at wrists and ankles, was a very pretty young Frenchwoman.

“The prisoner, Lord Ming,” the guard announced.

There was a collective intake of breath from the audience as “Lord Ming’s” face came in to focus.

“Oh. My. God.” Daffy Gollub breathed.

The Enterprise’s Science Officer quirked an eyebrow. “Indeed.” was all he said.

“Why are the villains Vulcan?" Jilla asked uneasily.

"It's only because the Science Section is pissed at him, hon," Sulu soothed.

"An' 'cause he a rat bastard," DelMonde muttered.

"Shut up, Mr. Foul-Tempered-Son-Of-A-Bitch," Ruth hissed.

Jade gave a private smile of satisfaction and made some notes on her statboard. Jim craned his neck to see what she'd written, and she glanced at him, arching an eyebrow. Kirk grinned at her.

“The captain's gotta know what his crew is thinking," he explained.

“I demand to know the meaning of this!” Chekov sputtered.

“I would think the meaning was clear,” the enthroned man responded. His voice was soft as silk and it sent a shiver of dread down the young Russian’s spine.

Ruth sighed and laid her head briefly on her husband’s chest. “Mmm, that voice,” she murmured.

“You intruded in my waters. That is not allowed. Those who dare pay a price.” He smiled, the corners of his mouth rising only a little. “And I must thank you for being so thoughtful as to carry it with you.”

“That is the coin of her Royal Majesty, Queen Anne of England,” Chekov retorted,

“Suck-up,

“Kiss-Ass.”

"Really!" Chekov grumbled. "My character is only endeavoring to be accurate."

"I'm on your side, bubee," Gollub assured him. "But you are sort of a suck-up."

“given as pay for those in service in the Royal Navy!”

“And now given in pay for your trespass,” Lord Ming said. He stretched out his long legs, his hand dropping casually to play with the tendrils of hair at the neck of the girl as his feet.

“Yeah, I know, it Monique! It Monique!” Del said dryly.

“Do not make fun of Daphne,” Chekov began.

“I do look good, nes’t ce pas?” the French navigator preened.

Beside her, Ramon Ordona frowned at the collar and cuffs that adorned the figure on the screen.

Chekov leaned forward and looked down the row to say, "It's a very attractive hairstyle for you, Miss Dubois."

"Merci," Monique smiled while the occupants of the two seats between them, Ramon Ordona and Daphne Gollub, turned and growled at the Russian.

"Dumbfuck," Del pronounced, shaking his head. "She do look mighty cute in them li'l pirate pants though," he confided discreetly to Sulu.

“I give you leave to attempt to convince me that this was no more than an error in navigation, and not – “ he paused, his black eyes glittering coldly,” – espionage for your Queen Anne.”

Chekov bristled. “I am no spy! I was on my way to the HMS Enterprise when a storm forced me onto land.”

The guard behind him sniggered, the sound immediately aborted when Lord Ming’s hand went up in a gesture of warning.

“Like he was in Sciences,” Daffy hmmphed.

“A storm, you say?” the Lord murmured. “Interesting. We endured no storm.”

“Sure, he not know not’ing ‘bout it,” Del muttered.

“There’s supposed to be a sorcerer or something supernatural on this island – which I’m betting is WaqWaq,” Uhura reminded. “Pay attention, Mr. DelMonde.”

"I tryin' to," the engineer protested. "If everyone would shut th’ fuck up fo’ a minute."

“It came upon us out of nowhere!” the Russian insisted. “I saw fingers of wind come down from the clouds, taking my shipmates clear out of the dingy!”

“And how did you escape these ‘fingers of wind’?” Lord Ming wanted to know.

Chekov tightened his jaw. “I held into the weight of the pay-chest.”

“And how is it that, so burdened, you did not sink to the bottom of the sea?”

“I – I don’t know.” The Russian flushed. “Something hit the back of my head.”

“Some wreckage from your boat, no doubt,” Ming murmured, and Chekov snarled at the amusement in his voice. He rose, the languid fluidity of his movement seeming unnatural to the young Lieutenant’s eyes.

Ruth shivered, giving Spock a sultry smile.

At Jilla's shudder, Sulu scowled.

“I will investigate this so-called storm, Master Chekov,” he continued. “If I find evidence for its veracity, you will be released. Until then…” He glanced at the guard. “Take him to the tower, Stell.”

“See, I told you!” Ruth exclaimed.

Her husband smiled at her. “So you did, my wife.”

Del growled.

His dark gaze again fell on Chekov. “I trust you will find my accommodations acceptable.” He turned, moving again with that strange grace.

“I am an officer of the Royal Navy!” Chekov protested loudly as the guard drew him away. “I demand a parlay!”

“He’s not a pirate,” Sulu commented. “He doesn’t observe the laws of Morgan or Roberts.”

“The laws of…?” Jilla began.

“It’s historical fact, hon,” Sulu explained. “A sort of pirate code of honor.”

“Pirates do not have codes of honor,” Chekov stated firmly.

“What you know ‘bout it, ya dumb fuck?” Del snorted.

“And I am not a pirate, and so do not adhere to the laws of Morgan or Roberts,” Ming said over his shoulder.

“See? I told you.”

Chekov bit back the curses that formed in his thoughts as he was dragged away. The pretty French girl rose, but her eyes flashed to Chekov before she followed her master.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

Lord Ming entered his private chambers. He had enjoyed himself with his pretty young slave,

Ramon swore under his breath in vitriolic Spanish while Monique did her best to comfort him while simultaneously casting furtive, speculative glances at the First Officer. She ignored the furtive, speculative glances the First Officer’s wife was giving her.

then sent her to the kitchens to prepare something for their prisoner. As always the strength he’d taken from the girl had renewed him, and it was time to try again to take control of his greatest, as yet untapped power.

The beauty in the cage appeared to be asleep, but as he approached the enchanted bars, she rose to her knees, her head bowed, her gaze averted.

“Oh my,” Jade murmured softly.

“Goddamn motherfucking son of a bitch!” Sulu spat as Jilla began to glow brightly.

“Turn her off, Roy!” Ruth snapped.

“Get your fucking husband’s mind away from her!” the helmsman snarled back.

“Ooh la la!” Del murmured lasciviously and just barely managed to twist around to avoid Sulu’s punch to his jaw, it landing on his shoulder instead.

“Mr. Sulu,” Spock began, “I assure you, my mind is not…”

“There will be no brawling here, Lieutenant Commander!” Kirk ordered.

“Calm down, sugar, it’s only a psychocin,” Uhura tried to soothe.

A single sob escaped Jilla and Sulu immediately enfolded her in his arms, letting her bury her head against his chest while he glared daggers at everyone around him.

“And Riley isn’t even here,” was Ruth’s ‘last-word’ comment.

Ming could not help but stare at her. She was small, slender yet with a curves and endowments that were lush and full, enough to tempt any man. Her pale, pale skin and blood-red hair revealed her heritage; she was a native islander, one who was rumored to have great supernatural power. Legend had it that if a man could capture one of these island priestesses, untold abilities would be his to command. It was only after binding her that Ming had discovered the true meaning of ‘capturing’ – the legend had not been rendered quite accurate in translation. To ‘capture’ referred to the witch’s heart: unless she opened herself to a man freely and of her own will, her power remained dormant.

“Take that, Vulcan bastard,” Sulu snarled.

“Untold abilities, huh?” Del joked, ready to deflect another blow. “An’ jus’ what they be?”

“Good thing for you she finally said yes,” was Ruth’s sarcastic remark, complete with a show of teeth.

“What supernatural powers?” Chekov whispered to Daffy.

“I’m sure we’ll find out bubee,” the chemist giggled.

Jade made another notation and beside her, McCoy cackled.

It had been a grave tactical error, and Ming had already dealt with the minion who had so badly garbled the ancient stories. He had tried to rectify it, graciously apologizing to the beautiful priestess for his rough manner, but the damage had been done. She would not speak to him, nor even look at him,

“Good fo’ you, cher,” Del grinned.

much less give him an opportunity to seduce her into the marriage that would make him the unquestioned ruler of the Caribbean. He had considered simply letting her go, then searching for another of her kin to enchant properly, but it had taken him years of searching to locate her, and after having taken one of her people by force, he knew the rest would go even deeper into hiding.

“Yeah, how many married Indiians are there in the Caribbean?” Daffy asked brightly.

At first he had simply kept her in his chamber. He had offered her the best food and drink, and rich robes and skirts, but she refused all clothing. The only spot of color on her flawless, almost silver-white skin were the bright circles of gold and red that were not simple tattoos, yet more than artificial covers of the nipples of her full breasts.

“Do we really need this long, lingering exposition?” Sulu growled.

“It is clearly what most of the audience wishes to see,” Chekov said, though he was looking at DelMonde.

“Ain’t it jus’ like you t’ take it out on a helpless woman?” Del shot back. He folded his arms, smiling grimly as Daffy glared and smacked the back of the Russian’s head.

“What? What did I say?” Chekov asked.

She shied away from him, eating only fresh fruit, not even tasting the elaborate meals he had prepared for her. She cringed at his touch, refusing to speak and it had angered him. When she tried to escape through a door carelessly left unlocked – or perhaps not so carelessly – the guard claimed she had bewitched him – Ming had constructed the cage and placed strong enchantments on it. It was where she had remained ever since.

Ming took a step toward the cage, and she backed away from him, still not meeting his gaze. His expression hardened and he turned away. He was a patient man. In time, she would relent.

“Bets?” Sulu smirked.

“She did once,” Ruth returned.

“I hate you, Spike, do you know that?”

“Ruth, Mr. Sulu, there need be no animosity between you due to the unexpected nature of this – entertainment,” Spock said calmly. “I assure you both, it is not my doing.”

Jade again made a note, and Jim glanced at her.

“You think not?” he whispered.

“Never mind, James.”

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

Chekov had been stripped of his coat and shirt,

“Oh boy!” Daffy exclaimed.

“I definitely gonna puke," Del said, making a face.

but left his pants and boots.

“Damn!”

“Thank God fo’ small favors," Del said. "An’ I do mean small..."

He had to admit being glad both to be rid of the heavy wool of his uniform in the tropical heat and that he was left decent, with his feet protected from the stone floor of his tower prison cell, a floor that was incongruously cold and dank.

“T-Paul do have – sensitive feet,” Del remarked wickedly, to which Daffy grinned and the Russian flushed.

“Really?” Sulu said with an air of innocence. “Me too. Maybe we’ll have to compare notes.”

“You keep out of this!” Daffy suggested.

Uhura smothered her amusement.

He wasn’t shackled, which surprised him, until he saw the long drop from the barred cell window. With the heavy door both locked and bolted, there was no hope of escape.

He’d examined every stone in the walls of his cell for weak spots and found none.

“Oh, for a tricorder, huh, Pav?” Sulu grinned

“Or a crowbar,” Chekov returned glumly.

He paced for a while in frustration, then finally sat on the lone bench hanging from one of the walls, a bare plank of wood that would have to serve as both chair and bed. The sun was westering when he heard the sound of the bolt being pulled back and the key in the lock. He braced himself to rush the guard, but the door opened only enough to allow the slip of a girl who had been curled at Lord Ming’s feet to enter. She carried a wooden bowl.

“Your dinner, monsieur,” she murmured.

You! Out! Now!” Daffy commanded.

Chekov glanced at the unappetizing mess in the bowl.

“Surely you don’t expect me to eat that,” he sniffed.

”I prepared it myself,” the girl replied tartly.

“An’ who care if you can cook, ma belle petit?” Del murmured suggestively.

“I do,” Ramon answered, his arm moving possessively to Monique’s waist.

“It’s not poisoned, nor drugged.” She again thrust it toward him. “You need to keep up your strength, mon ami,” she added in a whisper.

“Your master will soon discover that I am no spy,” the Lieutenant returned, “and when he does…”

“Fool!” the girl hissed. “Do you think he will ever let us go?”

“Us?” Chekov blinked. "You mean, you're not...?"

"I'm a captive, like yourself," she snapped back.

“The collar and cuffs were the first clue,” Uhura pointed out to general snickers.

“I serve him because I must, but I have been…” She glanced over her shoulder, then continued in a voice that was nearly inaudible. “I have a way to get you out of this place. But you must do exactly as I say and – “

“Ooh la la,” Del murmured and Ramon glared at him.

She paused, her bright blue eyes pleading, “ – you must swear to take me with you when you leave these waters.” Chekov’s heart ached for the girl’s obvious fear,

“Ow!” the Russian complained as Daffy smacked the back of his head.

but he sighed. “I am not the master of a ship, Miss…”

“Desireé,” she murmured. “Desireé DuBois.”

The assembled crew applauded the name, and Monique stood, blowing kisses in return.

“Miss Desireé,” he repeated. “I can only plead your case to the Commodore.”

“Is he a good man, this Commodore?” she asked breathlessly.

“You’d have to ask Jade that,” McCoy cackled. He grinned broadly at Dr. Han’s mild glare, but heard Jim’s answering chuckle.

“Yes,” the Lieutenant nodded firmly.

“Suck-up!”

“Kiss-Ass!”

Her face became troubled. “So good that he could not be charmed by a pretty face and willing body?”

“Not so far,” Uhura murmured. Ruth sniggered. Jade frowned.

Chekov blushed. “No, Miss, not so good as that.”

“So T-Paul not a cabin boy after all,” Del said, sounding disappointed.

Daffy turned and punched him on the arm.

She nodded. “Then I can barter with him for passage.” She set the bowl down on the stone floor. “Eat, Pytor Chekov. Try and rest. I will come for you after midnight. Be prepared to move quickly and ask no questions.”

“Oh, like that’s ever gonna happen,” Ruth snorted.

“He’d ask less than hubby Ming over there,” Daffy retorted.

“Well, sure, he’s only mini-Spock,” Sulu added.

“Mini…?” Jilla began.

“Never mind,” Ruth, Sulu and Daffy said together.

he moved back to the door, tapping it lightly. It opened, again just enough to let her slip through it. Chekov heard her voice, sultry and without a trace of fear as she said something flirtatious to the guard. Then he stared at the bowl she had left. He didn’t know if he could trust her, but it seemed God had not given him another choice.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

“The Cap’n’s sweet on Kirk, mark my words, an’ it’ll be trouble ‘fore the end.”

McCoy grinned. “Amen to that.”

Han lifted a reproving eyebrow. “I am so glad you’re enjoying this, Doctor.”

“You’ll never know how much,” he chuckled unrepentantly.

“Leave it be, Cat. He’ll not catch us, an’ if he does, she’ll turn it to our advantage.” First Mate Cat Valley stood on the deck of the Raven with the bosun, One-Eyed Riko Tamura. The girl had lost an eye in some long-ago accident in the Japans,

“Oh, poor thing!” Monique exclaimed sympathetically, patting the yeoman on the shoulder.

“It’s just a movie,” Sakura protested, embarrassed to suddenly have the rowdy group’s attention focused on her.

from whence she hailed, but her fighting skills could not be in less doubt. MeiLin had taken her on due to her quick mind and memory, putting her in charge of the ship’s equipment, and had discovered to her delight that, small as she was and even with her handicap, she was a spitfire in battle.

Calls of “Go Saki!” and “True dat!” from her friends did nothing to lessen the yeoman’s discomfiture.

Cat liked her, for she was one of the few members of the crew who wasn’t jealous of Valley’s beauty.

“Shut up! Shut up!” Ruth shouted putting her fingers in her ears to preemptively block out the catcalls prompted by that line.

“Spare my blushes!” Del called in a girlish voice.

“Don’t trip over your own modesty, Mensch,” Daffy advised.

The First Mate sighed, putting her foot up on the railing of the ship on which she half sat, half leaned. “You may be right, Riko,” she said. “You’d understand the Cap’n’s inscrutable mind better’an me an’ that’s the truth of it.” She winked at her friend. Riko was known to be a bit sensitive about serving under the Chinese woman, often reminding her mates that though they were both Asian, they were not the same race. Cat couldn’t help but tease her about it.

“Why start being culturally sensitive now?” Sulu asked sourly.

"Why indeed," Jade's voice murmured calmly and Sulu turned his head, frowning at the sight of the doctor's statboard.

"Don't worry, Roy," Ruth soothed with a toothy grin. "She's just putting down that you have a wee tiny bit of touchy samurai pride." Her following giggle and Del's snort - which he didn't even attempt to conceal - spoiled the comforting aspect completely.

As expected, Riko pursed her lips in annoyance and Cat laughed. She turned her face to the wind.

“It’s a fair night t’will be,” she remarked. “No need to drop anchor. Only a few wisps of cloud, and they be to the east...”

“Cat, look!” Riko suddenly interrupted. Valley turned to see the smaller woman pointing past the starboard bow. “Sails!”

“God’s death, is that Kirk again?”

“That what she said,” Del quipped… very quietly.

Riko squinted. “There’s markings on the canvas,” she reported. “It’s not the Enterprise.” After a pause that lasted no more than a heartbeat, she exclaimed “Corsairs!”

Valley felt her heart-rate pick up. Cap’n Han had an uneasy truce with the Turkish pirates,

“Turkish pirates?” Daffy repeated dubiously.

“Oh, yes,” her boyfriend assured her. “The Barbary pirates of North Africa were known as Turkish corsairs.”

“Bookworm,” Del taunted from behind him.

Sulu snorted as if in agreement, but couldn’t resist adding, “However, the term corsair was usually used to refer to privateers from Northern France.”

“You ever’ bit as bad as he is,” the Cajun informed the helmsman. “You know that, doncha?”

but it was never safe to expect a peaceful encounter with them. They kept to their word, after a fashion, but could twist agreements in ways that always seemed to favor themselves.

"Sounds like Havens," Daffy muttered.

“Alert the crew, Riko,” the First Mate said. “I’ll go warn the Cap’n.”

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

Commodore John Claudius Kirk sat at the table in his office aboard the HMS Enterprise, clutching the scrap of fabric that had been found floating amid the wreckage of his dinghy. He couldn’t make up his mind whether he was more furious or worried. He’d lost three good crewmen

“Two,” Del corrected, disappointed.

AND the Queen’s sovereigns, which meant – again – no pay for his already restless crew. When Lieutenant Chekov hadn’t returned, he’d sent out a search party and they’d found what was left of the boat. By their account, the ‘wreck’ had been no accident. Besides the fact that there had been no foul weather that could have vexed a seasoned man like Chekov,

“Seasoned?” the Cajun snorted. “What that mean? He like to sprinkle a li’l cayenne pepper on him fo’ he…”

“Can you stop talking?” the Russian wondered aloud.

the pieces of the dinghy were too neat not to have been destroyed by human hand, though it was clearly intended to look otherwise. The very piece of fabric in his hand – a pirate’s neck cloth – was only another incriminating marker.

Kirk felt his blood beginning to boil. “She’s gone too far this time,” he muttered, then looked up at the soft clearing of a throat. Standing in the doorway was his ship’s surgeon and closest friend Samuel McCoy.

“It’s you! It’s you!” Kirk whispered in a quiet parody of Daffy Gollub’s exclamations.

McCoy grinned at his doppelganger. “I was wonderin’ when this show’s romantic lead was gonna finally show up.”

“Who’s gone too far, Johnny?” the craggy-faced man asked, but from the look in his blue eyes, Kirk was certain he already knew.

“The God-damned witch of a pirate,” he answered tightly. “This is the handiwork of the Raven, I’m sure of it.”

“From what evidence, Commodore?” McCoy replied. “This scrap of cloth?”

“You must recognize the perfume,” the real McCoy speculated.

“The wreck was staged, Sam. You know it as well as I do. She took the pay chest. Chekov and the others are almost certainly in chains in the hold of her ship.”

“He wishes he was,” Del supplied.

“He’d better not,” Daffy warned.

“And knowing Captain Han as you do,” McCoy returned, though his voice was carefully neutral,

“Although not as well as you’d like to,” his counterpart added un-neutrally.

“D’you think she’d not have sent a messenger to parlay with you for their safe return by now?”

Kirk ignored the neutrality. “And just what are you implying, Sam?”

“You let her get to you, Commodore,” the doctor said. “It clouds your judgment.”

“Nonsense,” Kirk snorted.

“Yeah, sure,” McCoy snorted.

McCoy inclined his head. “As you say. But Johnny, you know I’m right. She would have sent a message,” he added quickly.

Kirk sighed, his fist closing. “Who else would be so bold as to attack a Royal Navy courier?” he asked, as if the topic of his ‘knowledge’ of MeiLin Han had never come up.

"There are Corsairs in these waters,” McCoy reminded.

“We have treaties with them,” Kirk argued.

“And with the change from King’s Rule to Parliament’s, are we so certain they’re still in force?”

John frowned. “The Sultan would never…” he began.

“A good commander considers all the options, John,” McCoy pointed out.

“But the cloth…” Kirk began.

“Could be Corsair – or a ruse – or have nothing at all to do with the wreck,” Sam cut him off. He leaned forward, placing his hands on the table. “Johnny, I’m your friend, I’m your doctor. Your obsession with this pirate women is not only unseemly, but the crew is staring to take notice. Without pay, they won’t go chasing your pretty Eastern obsession for much longer.”

”Oh, I dunno,” Del said, glancing over his shoulder at the therapist and grinning. “I startin’ to wanna see how that subplot gonna turn out.”

Dr. Han made a purposefully conspicuous note on her statboard in response.

“They will if they think she’s got their pay,” the Commodore snarled. “Don’t gainsay me on this, Samuel.”

McCoy sighed and straightened. “Aye, sir,” he murmured

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

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