A Meshuggunah Pirate Movie

by Cheryl Petterson
with snark interludes by Mylochka and Cher

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PAGE SEVEN

When DelMonde came to consciousness, it was to find his hands bound behind him. He groaned and was roughly hauled to his knees.

“It is not so funny when it happens to you, is it, Noel?”

“You better hope I not get that gun back any time soon…”

Blinking the dizziness away, he saw Chekov, standing uselessly next to a saber-wielding guard.

“You always standin’ uselessly next to somt’ing…”

Také was also on his knees, hands bound, glaring fiercely at his captors. Desireé was in the firm grasp of yet another guard, quaking, her head bowed.

“God’s death…” Del muttered, then jerked his head up at the dark, silky voice that accompanied the tall man who stepped out of the shadows.

“Not quite as bad as all that, Monsieur DelMonde.”

“Hot damn!” Ruth Valley grinned as she squeezed her husband’s arm. “Mmmm-mmm Ming!”

“How you know my…?”

“I know the names of all visitors to my island,” the man replied, “even unwelcome ones. You are René DelMonde, scoundrel and expatriate.

“Fuck you very much.”

This…” He gestured to Také. “… is Takeda Mitsuyori, a disgraced ronin who is much too far from home.”

Sulu couldn’t stop himself from growling.

Del heard the Asian growl.

The audience giggled – a little nervously.

The man seemed to smile at that. “I am Ming, lord of WaqWaq and you, like your shipmate, have trespassed in my domain.” He turned to Chekov, and Del could see the Russian’s jaw clenching. “I see you did not find my accommodations to your liking, Lieutenant,” Ming continued. “Or was it simply that you wished company? Perhaps you didn’t mean to ‘escape’ at all, hmm?

Ruth turned around and frowned. “Del…”

“I not doin’ a damn t’ing,” her ex-lover informed her. “Any catamitery is they own damn doin’.”

“Certainly not mine,” the navigator protested.

Perhaps these unlikely cohorts were to carry your information back to your captain?”

“They are deserters from Her Majesty’s Royal Navy!” Chekov snarled. “If I were a spy, I most certainly would not trust them with…”

“Damn, I wish I had my gun…”

“Irrelevant, Lieutenant. All that matters is that they, too, are charged with trespass.” Ming shook his head. “Let us hope the apparent popularity of such intrusions wanes before it waxes more.” He signaled to a guard. “Take them all to the tower. And throw a bucket of water over these two.” He indicated DelMonde and Takeda.

“Rude motherfucker…”

“Our friend Sahin will arrive shortly, and his Sultan is always looking for harem guards – and it is said Sidi Ahmed is a fastidious man.”

“Oooo!” came from several directions in the audience at once.

“Ya’ll had best clean up your dirty minds ‘fore I gotta clean ‘em up for ya,” the engineer threatened broadly.

He smiled. “Mr. Chekov, if you would be so kind as to explain the fine which they both now owe me? Let us hope Sahin offers me enough to cover it.”

With a sudden movement, Také lunged at the Chinaman. One of the guards pushed him harshly back to his knees, his saber coming up to Také’s throat.

“Damn,” the helmsman snarled.

Ming made a tsking sound, and all three of the Enterprise seamen were hauled out of Ming’s presence. As he was dragged away, Del heard the Chinaman’s voice once more.

“Desireé, my little viper, are you up to your old tricks again?”

The girl gasped and Del swore under his breath.

“Motherfucker,” his real life counterpart cursed less quietly.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

Desireé immediately changed her expression from one of silent dread to a sensual pout.

“Monique…” her boyfriend growled.

“Just a movie, Ramon…”

Mon seigneur, he forced me,” she said. “I had no choice. And I did lead him and ses amis here to the guard house, non?”

“If you not th' tricky li’l vitch…”Del grinned.

Monique tossed her head. “You should have thought of that sooner, mon ami.”

“And I see you still expect me to believe you, even after all your other excursions away from my tender care,” Ming replied.

“Shiver!” Ruth thrilled.

“Puke,” Del countered.

He shook his head. “I have been lenient with you so far, ma cher. I shall be so no longer.” He turned, gesturing to the guard. “Bring her,” he ordered.

“Hey!” Valley punched her husband on the arm.

“I do not determine the plotline,” he reminded her.

Mon seigneur, please” Desireé cried. “Give me a chance to redeem myself!”

The Cajun chuckled darkly. “Ming is merciless.”

Sulu groaned at the allusion.

“Shut up, Del,” Ruth snarled.

Ming chuckled. “Oh, I will, my dear. I will.”

“Still shiver-y, though,” Valley admitted very privately.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

Coriander sighed and turned in the arms of the golden-skinned corsair whose name she didn’t even know.

“Oh, Lord,” Uhura grinned and shook her head. “Here goes the porn filter…”

He had taken her by force from the Sweetwater, and she’d fought like a hellcat, only to find her efforts futile against his strength and calm determination. She’d screamed until he’d found an ingenious way to keep her quiet – by kissing her deeply and thoroughly.

“Ahhh…” several people in the crowd sighed approvingly.

She had started at that, struggling wildly until her loins had begun to respond.

“Uhm…” the captain of the Enterprise shifted in his seat a little uncomfortably. “There is a porn filter, isn't there, Doctor?”

Her resistance didn’t wane slowly as would a foreigner’s. True to her less genteel native nature, she gave in whole-heartedly.

“I was assured there was,” Han answered, sounding less than certain.

Pleasures of the flesh were few and far between, and a wise woman took it where it could be found. Having listened to many nights of trysts between Mistress Rosen and her lieutenant,

“Hey!” that couple protested.

she was all too eager for a taste of physical union.

“Cover your eyes, Aunt Maude,” McCoy warned rhetorically. “Here we go.”

He’d carried her to a cabin aboard the corsair ship and they had ravished each other fully.

“And we just see the outside of the door?” the doctor asked, to the accompaniment of a chorus of boos from the audience.

“Trust me, sugars,” Uhura soothed the crowd. “It’s as much as you can handle…”

Another of the Turks had come, tapping on the closed door, questioning him about what was taking him so long to subdue the prisoner, and he had grunted, “She’s a fighter,” then chuckled lasciviously in her ear as their ‘battle’ waged on.

“You may want to tell your programmer friend that we’ll need a more sound-proof door next time, Doctor Han,” the captain observed.

“Prude,” McCoy scoffed.

Now, after many fulfilling rounds, she lay naked with him,

“An’ we only get a shot from th’ shoulders up?” DelMonde complained.

“Don’t be greedy, honey,” the Communications officer chided.

pondering just what she would have to do to stay with him rather than be taken to the hold where there were no doubt other captives.

“Will you be mine?” the man suddenly whispered.

“I think she already been,” the Cajun observed. "A couple times."

“Yes,” she answered immediately. “But I don’t know what I’ll tell Mistress Rosen.”

“Keep me out of this,” Daffy requested emphatically.

He snorted. “Tell her? What is there to tell? I’ve stolen you away. You need never see her again.”

“Can you keep me, sir? Will that not anger your captain?”

“Like I give a damn what Gage thinks,” Uhura muttered.

“Yes, it will, my fine, dark beauty,” he murmured, nuzzling her ear. “But I’ll deal with him. No need to concern yourself over it.”

Cori sighed. “You haven’t so much as told me your name.”

“Kaan. Kaan Faik.” He paused. “And you, are you fair with Coriander Faik?”

“Oh, more than fair, sir,” she murmured, snuggling back to his strong body. “Aye, more than fair indeed.”

“Ooh la la!”

He gave a growl of renewed passion, and they both eagerly engaged the battle yet again.

“They sure got a lot o' doors on that ship…”

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

As with Chekov before, the guards released the bonds on DelMonde, Takeda and the Russian’s hands after shoving them into a room in the tower.

“All th’ better to strangle you wit’,” the engineer informed his roommate.

The Russian snorted his disbelief.

“Great plan, mon ami,” Del drawled at Také. The Asian ignored him, giving the cell the same inspection Chekov had hours before.

“There are no loose stones,” Pytor assured him with dour smugness.

The navigator nodded. “I would have checked.”

“None your short fingers can reach,” Del remarked.

“I do not have short fingers.”

“If not, then that the only t’ing ‘bout you that ain’t.”

Chekov bristled. “He’s not any taller than I am.”

“But smarter.”

“Which is a low bar t' jump…”

“Noel...”

“Really? Then why am I back in captivity when we could have been on our way back to the Enterprise?”

“He does have a point.”

“Yeah, a point fo’ the top o’ his head like you do.”

“Maybe because we could have been on our way back to the Enterprise,” Takeda answered.

“You’d rather be a prisoner of…”the Russian began indignantly.

“Lemme see, than whipped, clapped in irons, shackled in the hold, keelhauled, tried an’ hung?” Del broke in. “Yeah, that be a whole sight better, ya bastard.”

“Your two characters are…”

“You are deserters and mutineers!” Chekov blasted back. “You deserve….!”

“An’ you deserve to have me wring your neck,” Del retorted.

“See?”

“But if it as thick as your God-cursed head, my hands wouldn’t fit!”

“There is that.””

The Russian’s eyes narrowed. “Just try it,” he growled.

“I gonna wipe the floor wit’ your ass now, T-Paul.”

“Oh? You know how to fight? The Commodore like his bedwarmers feisty, does he? Or was it some Slavic commander who taught you? ‘Tis said some of them like it pretty rough.”

“So rude!”

With a snarl of pure rage, Chekov took a swing at the taller Frenchman. Del jumped back, laughing, then held out a hand, pressing his palm to the Russian’s forehead, keeping him at arm’s length.

The Cajun chuckled. “I like this movie.”

“Completely unrealistic,” his roommate fumed.

He glanced over his shoulder, where Takeda had climbed up onto the wooden plank that was to be one of their beds and then right up onto the wall, grasping at the ledge of a high, barred window.

“Hang on, honey,” Sulu whispered to Jilla, hugging her more tightly against him.

“These bars are loose!” the Asian exclaimed in dark satisfaction. To prove his point, he twisted one in his hand until it came free from the masonry and bent outward. He worked at the second one until it, too, moved out of his way. He hauled himself up fully onto the ledge, turned onto his back and was preparing to pull himself out the small gap.

“Won’t be long now.”

“Také, you crazy?” Del cried in sudden alarm. “That a drop of eight, maybe nine fathoms!”

“Not that you gonna give a damn ‘bout that…”Del commented to no one.

The Asian grinned at him. “I’m not headed down,” he said. “Keep the catamite from following me. I’ll be back.”

“Sulu!”

“I am NOT…” Chekov exploded.

“Shhh,” the Cajun hushed both versions of the Russian. “We tryin’ to move the plot forward here.”

“Settle yourself down, Moscow,” Del said, returning all his attention to the Russian. “That boy a damned monkey. If he t’ink he can climb the damned wall, he prob’ly right, even if he is outta his damned mind.”

“Which he is,” Del affirmed.

"Hearing voices makes one crazy, does it?" Sulu asked pointedly.

Pavel chuckled and Del scowled.

“What by all the saints is he after?” the Russian gaped.

“Jilla,” several members of the audience chimed in.

Del smiled grimly. “A nightingale.”

“That a pretty way o' puttin’ it,” DelMonde complimented himself.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

The timbers of the Raven creaked ominously as the frigate approached the island known to the natives as WaqWaq, and to everyone else as King’s Isle.

“Finally back to something interesting,” Ruth sniffed, ignoring the glares from those around her.

The sun was setting, and Riko took a sounding, signaling to the captain that it was time to drop anchor. Jasmine Ryan leaned over the railing, her face and posture more curious than anxious. MeiLin stood behind her, Cat, as usual, perched on the railing a little farther away.

“Damn, but don’t we look good?” Tara grinned.

Riko turned from relaying the captain’s order to the anchor crew, folding her arms in mute imitation of her commander.

“You hear lots of crazy stories about this place,” she murmured, as if afraid of being overhead. “Man-eatin’ trees that grow fruit that looks like skulls, Priestesses who can wreck a ship at sea by singin’ a song...”

Her real life counterpart shivered. “Scary.”

Jasmine snorted. “Nonsense!” she stated firmly. “Those just be old fright stories to keep people away. The native conjure women used to live here is all.”

“Witches?” Riko asked nervously.

“Yes,” Del assured her, frowning in Monique’s direction. “Villful, windictive vitches.”

Jasmine glanced at Cat, who had a worried look. “

Tis said they had all kinds of potions,” she intoned solemnly, “ones to heal…” There was a dramatic pause. “… or kill.”

“Very scary,” Sakura pronounced.

Ryan grinned. “Shivering your timbers, huh?”

“They had powders they say can make a healthy man sleep a day, a week, or ten thousand years. Potions that make a man have twice his strength an’ ten times his speed...”

“Sounds like Gage has done set up shop there,” Del drawled only to be emphatically shushed from several directions at once.

“I’ve heard tell they’ve potions could make a man able t’ make love for a week, too.” Cat said. “’Course, one t’would hope that’s not at ten times normal speed too...”

This got a good laugh from the audience.

Not to be outdone by the French navigator, Ruth stood, turned and gave a flourishing bow.

She chuckled, but it was uneasy.

With a grin, Jasmine whispered, “Tis even said there’s one potion can make you see th’ future an’ know th’ past.”

“Are you sure that's not just a 'fright story' too?” MeiLin put in.

“It’s sure scaring me,” Tamura confessed.

“Arrrr, now, why that be a fright to you, Cap’n?” Cat asked. “’Less you got somethin’ to hide from your loyal crew?”

“You’d never do that, would you, Jade?” McCoy teased

“Or maybe jus’ somethin’ she’s wishin for?” Riko added.

“Stop elbowing me Leonard.”

MeiLin smiled mysteriously. “You all know my past,” she said, “and I’ve always been straight with you about what I see as our future.”

Dr. Han raised a ‘so there’ eyebrow at her colleague.

“But that was before meetin’ up with the Commodore, aye, Cap’n?” Jasmine replied devilishly.

“You’re elbowing me again, Leonard.”

“Gods take us all,” Riko muttered.

If MeiLin heard it, she didn’t respond.

Neither did Dr. Han respond to the ‘so there’ eyebrow aimed at her by her colleague.

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

Desireé shuddered and moved away from her master’s body.

The movie was temporarily drowned out by the shouts, screeches, hoots, and whistles from the audience at the sight of the nude versions of Monique and the First Officer on screen.

He had interrogated her, using techniques that would bring her pain, but leave no visible marks.

“I believe there may be some deficiency in the exclusionary parameters of Dr. Han’s content filters,” Spock observed blandly to no one in particular – although his ears had turned a fairly phosphorescent shade of green.

She had told him all she knew – that she had aided the Russian officer in escaping, that he had overheard Ming’s conversation with the Priestess, that the ronin named Takeda had insisted they return to the castle because of a ‘call’ he claimed to have heard. It was that, she had sworn, that had made her lead the men to the guard’s room. She knew it was not something she dared to allow, knowing her Lord’s intentions regarding the witch.

“Sweet Mary,” winced DelMonde. “Fo'get th’ porn filter. They need to be a puke filter on this motherfucker.”

Monique DuBois turned and raised a displeased eyebrow at him. “Oh, really?”

“It not you, darlin’” the engineer hastened to assure his fellow officer. “In fact, if it weren’t fo’ th’ sight of your sweet li’l round ass, I’d done poked my eyes out by now.”

This earned him a displeased look from her boyfriend.

Ming had punished her cruelly in the way he had for all the months of her captivity: with bizarre and perverse sexual practices. The fact that he always made her not only submit but revel in his attentions burned within her, equal parts shame and hedonism.

"Sound like anyone we know?" Del murmured to Sakura.

“This seems very inappropriate,” Jilla said despite the fact she couldn’t seem to turn her gaze away from the screen.

“It’s okay, hon,” Sulu said, gently pulling her close and hiding her eyes. “I’ll catch you up if you miss any of the plot.”

Then he glared at the covert looks Del and Sakura were giving him.

She lowered her head, only to raise it again as Ming’s graceful fingers came under her chin. He gave her a chaste kiss, and she tried not to pull away.

“Ah, my dear little cobra,” he murmured

There were snickers from Daffy, Sakura and Del.

and she shivered. His endearments, if such they could be called, were always references to venomous snakes. “I begin to think you run away so often because you've grown to enjoy paying the consequences of being caught.”

“Daphne, take your hands off my eyes. I’m missing the plot.”

Unwelcome tears of anger formed in her eyes with the humiliation of knowing that he was, at least in part, absolutely correct.

“I run away because I hate you, you demon,” she pouted.

He chuckled. “You're very fortunate you amuse me,” he told her. “Now, is there any more you can tell me about your new playmates?”

“Who is coming up with this stuff?” Ruth Valley blazed.

“Hush, sugar,” Uhura shushed her. “We’re trying to follow the plot.”

“I’ve told you everything,” she replied. “They're nothing more than blundering adventurers... like all the others.”

“With the exception of the ronin’s exceptional hearing,” was Ming’s pointed comment.

Desireé swallowed, guilt and betrayal consuming her. “Will – will you kill him, mon seigneur?” she asked hesitantly.

Ming made a show of considering. “Not right away,” he said at last. “The High Priestess of WaqWaq reveals her secrets fully only to the man who responds to her call. Her stubborn refusal to call me has apparently made her desperate enough to sing her song for that young fool. Impetuous and deceitful of her.” He shook his head. “But since the deed is done, perhaps we can turn her spell against her. Perhaps a bargain is in order.” He rose, stretching languidly before reaching for his robe.

“Sweet Mother Mary… This the worst film ever made.”

Desireé cursed herself as he eyes drank in his movements. His muted chuckle proved he was well aware of her fascination.

“Need to be much, much more specific about guidelines for nudity and sexual content….” Dr. Han was muttering to herself as she scribbled furiously.

“If you can behave yourself, my serpent, I may even allow you to give our other captives a night to remember before I sell them to Sahin.” He turned, his eyes glittering, amused ice. “It would be a final kindness, would it not, since it would be the last time they would ever enjoy a woman – or be able to.”

“You do photograph really, really, really well,” Ruth Valley commented to her husband, licking her lips.

Mon seigneur, please…!” she began.

“Please put on some motherfuckin’ pants,” DelMonde finished for the character only to be shushed by a surprising number of his peers.

“Which is not behaving, Desireé,” he admonished mildly.

She lowered her head, her gaze dropping to the mattress beneath her.

“Now, I must prepare for Yarbay Sahin’s visit. Clean yourself up, my precious coral, and perhaps you’ll see your countryman again.”

He left the room and Desireé slammed her fist against the mattress and let her tears of misery come.

As the screen faded to black, the audience broke into enthusiastic applause. Monique Dubois stood up and took a bow, while the First Officer cleared his throat uncomfortably.

“A somewhat gratuitous scene,” he observed.

“Oh, no, Mr. Spock,” Uhura, still applauding vigorously, grinned. “Absolutely essential to the plot, sugar.”

“Daphne, please! You can uncover my eyes now.”

~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~~~~***~~~

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