Images swirling, a golden star and a golden horn and a black shape with wings - all covered in blood that hurt as it flowed...
The Don knew he was unconscious, knew he was coming awake, and struggled to remember all that had happened. Terra, the ceremony, the battle - LiLing. Her death hardly disturbed him, but... The child. A sacrifice to my unicorn, prey for my hawk. Necessary. And I’ll permit no rival to Geoffrey. It must have been accepted: I sacrificed, and was given a goddess. The star. Who are you, golden angel?
He took a conscious breath and opened his eyes. Dark intensity, hope, fear - talons settling on his mind’s arm. Sulu stood over him, smiling. He smiled back, secure now. “Sulu.”
“Del.”
He tried to sit up and Sulu stepped back and crossed his arms. Del could tell by his grin that Sulu didn’t think he could make it. It took only seconds of sharp pain and dizziness for him to acknowledge that Sulu was, as always, right. So he lay back and laughed sardonically at himself.
“You’ll be all right in a few days, and by then, we’ll be on Rigel,” Sulu assured him.
“Really?” he returned. “We’re going to get out of this?”
“Trust me.”
“Of course. Where’s Jerel?”
“Here, Don.” Jerel’s voice came from across the room. Del turned his head enough to see his Consigliore sitting on one of the Sickbay beds.
“We’re alive, Jerel,” Del told him lightly.
“You very nearly weren't,” Courtland reminded him, as glum as Del had been easy.
“And over a woman,” Sulu tsked. “Really, Don, you’re slipping.”
Del looked back at him. The dark eyes were studying him. He met the gaze unflinchingly. Not just a woman. So beautiful, and more than beautiful. It feels as if I’d been split in two and have at last found my other half. Antari - Kirk’s Antari. The one he gave to you, hawk. Yours. “What’s her name?” Del asked, his tone and manner serious.
“Who? You mean the Antari?” Sulu replied casually. “Ruth.” The edge was sharp in his voice, and Del knew this was no place for games, as he knew Sulu must play one.
“I want her,” he said, letting the quietness of his own voice convey the depth of his admission.
“I know,” Sulu returned, but there was no capitulation. “Your Consigliore doesn’t seem to like the idea,” he added.
“And you?” Del asked, refusing also to yield.
Sulu shrugged. It was a gesture of small submission, and Del’s heart rate increased. “Kirk will make her available to you. He might even like the idea. He’ll think it a nice gesture of friendship.”
“And if I want her permanently?”
“I don’t think so,” Sulu answered without missing a beat. “Kirk will use her as bait and control for as long as he can.”
And you do not like the thought of giving her up. The talons in his mind had tightened, and Del decided it was best to leave the matter. “How are we getting out, hawk?” he asked conversationally.
Sulu’s grin returned. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Women!” Jerel’s voice snorted. Del looked over at him again, raising his torso enough to bring a groan. He carefully laid back.
“Jerel, have some pity and come where I can see you.” He heard the chuckle, the sound of hooves on metal, then Jerel stood next to him, across the bed from Sulu.
“Women, Don,” Courtland repeated. “Two alien women. The Indiian, your Antari. The Senators’ daughters. I begin to wonder at this alliance of ours.”
“My Antari,” Sulu corrected offhandedly, but Del could feel the anger. It was perfectly natural for Jerel to assume that what the Don wanted, the Don would get. But Jerel had never worked with Sulu. He couldn’t understand the workings of that mind. Sulu was walking a terrible edge between his own needs and those of his falconer. Del knew he had to let Sulu come to his own decision, as the good falconer has to trust to the hawk to return to his arm.
“I haven’t told him,” Sulu continued. “Kirk knows, but not the whole thing. Spock does.” The Vulcan’s name was spoken tonelessly, and Del’s mind tingled with the remembered communication from Spock regarding knowledge shared. Hawk, what has he done to you? “The ‘alien’ women are more alien than you could possibly imagine.”
There was a gleam in Sulu’s eyes, replacing the anger as well as the hidden something which concerned the Vulcan First Officer. Del studied him. The Indiian. The Antari. Senator’s daughters, Sulu’s souls. Escape attempt and belonging to Sulu while fawning over Kirk... And his star. A fearful expectancy began growing within him. This was an unforeseen gift from his hawk. But what could I have needed and not asked for? Or if it’s something I don’t need, how could Sulu think I did? Is he finally testing me?
Sulu came to his side, crouching down beside the bed. His voice was a carefully controlled murmur. “Don, they are intelligent, capable, and skilled. Ruth is a computers expert. Jilla is an engineer. They have technological knowledge beyond ours.”
“How...” Courtland broke in. Sulu’s swift glare silenced the Consigliore.
“Because they come from a different universe.” Sulu’s being glowed, proud, joyful, loving, though his tone did not alter. “A universe I picked for precisely those qualities. A universe I searched for.” Sulu’s eyes held his. “The Tantalus, Del, a field disrupter. Kirk stole it from some scientist, and I found out how to use it. I can set it to any environment, any set of parameters - any universe. I can send anyone within its range to whatever parameters I choose. That was how we got rid of the Emperor.” Del felt himself falling into a spell of incredulous wonder as Sulu’s voice became whispered magic. “I searched for you, Don. I found the technology you need for your shuttles, and more. I picked Ruth and Jilla, computers and engineering. I used the Tantalus to find them, and the transporter to exchange them with useless Senatorial pets. I trained them to use their skills - for you. They have. We’re under an untraceable cloak that can be modified to work on your shuttles. They knocked out Terra’s defensive screens. And they can make Rigel’s defenses impenetrable by anything the Empire has. Your rebellion will happen, Don, and it has a better chance of succeeding than the Empire can possibly realize.”
Del stared as the fierce passion consumed him. For you, Del, because I love you. Because you needed it. I’m your hawk, I’ll always find your prey, even when you don’t know I’m hunting. Ten years, and I’m yours. I give, Del, I give!
He closed his eyes. This was impossible. No, too possible. Sulu gives what I need. This is no test, he’s mine, more completely than I knew. He has no choice but to be mine. Even his soul-catching, he now does for me. Yet, feel his joy. He believes he gives out of free devotion, a gift, because I love him. What have I done to him, by the gods, what have I created?
Jerel’s voice interrupted his frantic reverie. “You exchanged them?”
Sulu answered, but his eyes stayed on Del. “It’s a simple process. Create the right conditions, catch your subjects while transporting, push a button and the energy is brought not only from planet to ship, but universe to universe. Consciousness is separated from physical being. I can bring you anything, anyone you want.”
DelMonde realized he should praise his hawk. The silent, triumphant screech needed acknowledgment. It was what he’d made a hawk for, wasn’t it?
But the analogy was flawed. Hawks were forever free, tamed only for a time. A good falconer knew there would come a time to release the creature. But now, now... How could he release Sulu? Sulu was no hawk. He sought prey only for his Don. There was no self without his Don. And he didn’t know it. But he would, soon enough, if set free. And he’d come after the man who’d robbed him, as he had gone after Ruis Calvario. That Del hadn’t known what he was doing wouldn’t matter at all.
There was no releasing of a force that could literally destroy universes.
I have to hold him, Del realized with sudden grief. Forever. A god has an obligation to his creations when he gives them no free will. Bacchus must accept the sacrifice of the Bacchantes. Sulu, this is not what I wanted.
He looked at Sulu, focusing his mind on the love, the gratitude that was there regardless of what he’d done, or what he could ever do. “Thank you, Sulu,” he said, and knew it was the truth. He was grateful. I’ve done a frightening thing to you, my hawk. I did it without realizing it, I did it without understanding all it implied. But I did it - Yet another realization struck him, shamed him. - and I’d do it again. Men use. I am what I am. And so, my hawk, are you.
Lane Gage, Terlord of Haven for the Empire, leaned against the door of a stateroom on the I.S.S. Enterprise and studied his Duchessa. She was reclined on one of the couches, engrossed in attempting to clean the blood that had spattered on her gown during the mad flight to Terra’s Control Center. After the gruesome murder of Lady LiLing, and the cacophony of the transporter room, a handsome TerAfrican guard had escorted them to this suite of rooms and told them politely, but firmly, to stay put. Their questions, he had assured, would be answered when ‘somebody’s got a minute to breathe.’
That had been over an hour ago. Duchessa Calvario didn’t seem at all concerned, so Gage supposed he shouldn’t be. Still, this wasn’t the kind of evening he’d had in mind when Loki had informed him he was to escort her to the Imperial Ceremony.
Finally, he took a deep breath and cleared his throat. “You gonna tell me what’s going on, Loki?” he asked.
Loki looked at him, as she so often did, like he hadn’t a brain in his head. Usually he reminded her that his simply wasn’t quite as convoluted as hers, but this time he simply waited for her reply.
“We’re in the middle of a rebellion, Lane,” she said.
He nodded. “No shit. The question is, why? Not even you would risk Haven on a chance to jump Commander Takeda’s undeniably sexy body.”
Loki grinned at him. “Don’t be too sure of that.”
He let the innuendo slide past him, rubbing his fingers along his neat beard. “Not even you,” he repeated.
“It’s a long story, sweetheart,” Loki returned airily.
“Like I’ve got anything else to do?” He pointed out.
He watched as the frown came over her face, followed by a moment of deep scrutiny, then a small sigh as she made her decision. It was one of the many things he liked about her, the ability to think on her feet, and do it quickly. If one didn’t know her facial expressions as well as he did, one wouldn’t think she’d given the matter any thought at all. Then one might make the mistake of thinking she was vapid. It was a mistake Loki cultivated with true Haven determination.
“Come, sit,” she said. Gage pushed himself from the bulkhead and sauntered over to her, settling himself on the couch next to her.
“Well,” she began, “you know all about my late husband’s little hobbies...”
“The Ducé was a mind-fucker,” he said succinctly.
“And you know why Sulu killed him.”
“The Ducé fucked more than his mind.”
“And you’re aware that I hoped the Ducé’s desire to make himself immortal with an apprentice hadn’t taken root in Sulu.”
“You’ve mentioned it in your sleep,” Gage replied smoothly.
Loki scowled at him. “I have not.”
He smiled. “No, but it got a rise out of you.”
Loki ignored him. “The late Lady LiLing came to me just before the ceremony, with tales of a plot to assassinate the Emperor and the Don being a traitor and Sulu helping him. She claimed to have overheard the phrase ‘alien women he’s brainwashed.’”
Gage nodded. “So, Sulu’s a mind-fucker too.”
“So you can see why I have more than a passing interest?”
“That I can, my Duchessa.” He paused, staring at her. “And if this rebellion comes crashing down in flames?”
Loki smiled sweetly. “I was abducted from the Palace, a blade at my throat, by my dear husband’s horrible murderer, whom I stupidly took pity on ten years ago. Everyone saw it. Oh, the ordeal.”
“And if they actually manage to win something, Haven is in an excellent position to make many wonderful and profitable deals.”
Loki stroked his cheek. “You are so smart, my darling Lane.”
Gage inclined his head in a modified bow. “Many thanks for your gracious compliments, my most beloved Duchessa.”
Courtland left Sickbay after the Don had gone back to sleep. He had wanted some time alone with him, but Sulu showed no signs of leaving. He couldn’t really blame the hawk. After ten years, to almost lose Del before having even spoken to him... even he could sympathize with that.
He went to the laboratory that had been set up for the alien women. The revelation was still awesome within him - a parallel universe deliberately invaded to give the Don the technology he needed. And the hawk gave no indication that he could have done any less. His modesty concerning the event was not false. He was honestly self-deprecating. It was a fearful thought: what would the hawk consider a difficult task?
And how can a mere Equian hope to compete with that kind of fervor?
Jerel brushed aside the sharp sting of jealousy with his own honesty. The more people who were devoted to the Don, the better their chances of success. It was no wonder, and nothing taken from him, that Del loved his hawk with such exclusive depth. And so it was only fitting that the hawk have a few moments for personal worship.
He put aside his emotional concerns as he entered the lab. He found it difficult to accept, even with the hawk’s explanation, that women could have the skills and knowledge necessary for tasks of such importance as their very survival. How could women be more than toys, more than sexual release? With one exception, Donna, he thought wryly, and even you are no more than what the Don made you.
It seemed no more than his duty to watch them, to make as sure as he could with the knowledge he had gained from the Pirates, that these women were doing what they said they were. He was, after all, Consigliore to the Don of Rigel. If the Don had to rely on this, he had to be on top of it.
He stood with arms folded, scrutinizing the work being done. In their favor, both women seemed to work quite well without supervision. They exchanged half-sentences, obviously used to working together, till the Don’s Antari - the hawk’s Antari, he corrected himself sardonically - sighed, her huge purple eyes going very soft. Courtland recognized the spark of the Don in them. It disturbed him more than he could give voice to. The thunderbolt that had happened between her and Del was dangerous. It was obviously uppermost in Del’s thoughts. Such a thing was not unknown on Rigel. When it happened, it threatened calm assessment and clear thought. It could threaten the Don’s flawless judgment. Further, it had been obvious. It could be used against him, and if even the hawk wouldn’t back Del’s claim to her...
The Indiian, on the other hand, seemed wholly Sulu’s. Courtland allowed himself to appreciate her delicate beauty, even knowing that he dared not approach what the hawk had appropriated. There was fire in her, and an unassuming certainty of her own knowledge and skill. The fire came from her Indiian blood, but the certainty... It was unlike any woman Courtland had ever known. Not even the Donna, with all Del had given her, was as confident. The realization that Sulu had told the Don nothing more and nothing less than the truth about the origins of these women was a suddenly disconcerting one. And Del has fallen under the spell of an Antari from another universe, he thought. How can I prepare for that unknown?
Courtland sighed to himself. He had done all a good Consigliore could, expressed his reservations, warned his Don. The decision, as always, wasn’t his to make.
Goddess. Star. Golden angel.
The essence of the words swirled within Ruth’s mind without form, bringing a reality so solid that it, at times, eclipsed the one of computers and engineering and cloaks Sulu had given her. She shivered with warm delight, echoing the loving rapture that penetrated her being.
I love you, Del, Don, dark prince.
Bitch!
She shivered again, this time with dread. How could she tell Sulu about the Don? How could she tell the Don about Sulu? How could she love both of them? How could she love and hate Sulu with the same ferocity?
How can it all be real without him?
Is it? Isn’t Del his Don? Do you think you could feel this way if Sulu didn’t?
But I do, I would... I can even think it and it doesn’t go away. I love Del, even if Sulu says I can’t.
“I love Del, even if Sulu says I can’t,” she whispered.
Jilla shuddered at the feeling that shouted at her from Ruth’s being. She knew what the words would be before Ruth spoke them aloud. She had felt the celle haraniin, the soul-bond forming when Ruth’s tia had touched the Don’s. It had pierced her like cold steel, the pain it caused Sulu filling her with agony. Yet Sulu had had no time for it. He had been consumed with fear for his beloved’s life. She could feel that fear easing now that Noel DelMonde was healing. And with that ease came the renewal of the pain. She could not imagine how Sulu would deal with it, but deal with it he would. Ruth would have to be disciplined and chastised for her presumption. She did not dare to assume that her own continued devotion would be a balm against that hurt. She only hoped she could provide him with some comfort.
“That is not for you,” she answered Ruth in a whisper of her own.
Ruth turned to her, the Antari’s eyes liquid amethyst. “Del gives it to me,” she said.
“You don’t belong to him,” Jilla reminded.
“I will,” Ruth returned. Her voice was confident, warm, not defiant.
“If Sulu says,” Jilla added sharply, unable to bear the feeling of blasphemy.
Ruth’s eyes filled with sudden tears. “Even if he doesn’t,” she confessed.
The expression of sorrow touched Jilla’s heart, but steeled it all the same. “How can you betray him?” she hissed.
Ruth stared at her for a moment, then she dropped her gaze. “I don’t know,” she replied honestly. Then she again looked up into Jilla’s grey eyes. “Perhaps because he chose you.”
The words stabbed through Jilla’s being with both regret and fierce pride. She swallowed the regret and rejected the pride. “He has the right to do whatever he wants,” she replied.
“I can’t explain it, Jilla,” Ruth said. “I only know what I feel, that Del envelops me...”
“Del?” Jilla snapped.
“Sulu calls him...”
“That’s for Sulu, he didn’t say...”
“Del says!” Ruth blazed.
“I won’t listen to you!” Jilla whispered fiercely.
“I wasn’t asking you to!” Ruth snapped back. Jilla turned suddenly away, throwing herself into the work they had to complete before the Enterprise arrived at Rigel. After a few moments, she could feel Ruth’s attention returning to work, but the sense of Noel DelMonde’s tia remained and she let the tears of Sulu’s pain fall silently in her mind.
The exchange was becoming increasingly frequent. Something would have to be done, and soon, or the valuable talents of Valley and Costain would be wasted in religious bickering. Valley was already useless when away from her work.
Spock allowed himself a sigh before returning to his study of the latest refinements of Valley and Costain’s theories. Time was passing much too quickly, and yet much too slowly. There was too much to do, yet the waiting seemed endless. There was no time for respite from the apprehension, even if Valley had been capable of providing it. In fact, her presence in his cabin only served to remind him of what lay waiting within the very safety they all were working towards - Rigel and rebellion. For with that security would come Sulu’s vengeance.
There was no thought that Sulu had forgotten or forgiven. The Security Chief had saved Marlena from a serious, lethal blunder, but not for Marlena’s sake. The dark eyes had mocked him, taunting: I’ll have you for myself, they said. No easy death for you, Vulcan. That Kirk’s fury would be easy - comparatively - made Spock shudder. His only hope was that the Don would see Spock of Vulcan was of more use whole and sane - and that he could control his hawk.
With the thought of the Don, Spock’s mind went back to Valley and to the bond that had formed the instant the two had seen one another. No telepath could have missed that bonding - it would have been obvious even to the most dense of observers. It explained how Sulu had known of Spock’s thievery. Valley was a telepath, and her own abilities were enough to break through his casual “Forget.” He reflected that if he had known, he could have wrested her away from Sulu’s control, but with the bond... to attempt it now would destroy her mind and gain him nothing. And the knowledge that Sulu had so completed dominated even a telepath made his blood run cold.
The Don’s Consigliore was not happy with the situation. Jerel Courtland had proven to be a most interesting man. Spock found he had a great deal in common with the Equian. Neither really trusted Valley and Costain’s abilities. But because Sulu did, and the Don trusted Sulu, they each allowed it, quietly double-checking each piece of work, each theory. Courtland feared Sulu, though Spock knew of no reason why the Consigliore should. And Courtland found Jilla as intriguing as Spock himself did, her genuine emotions refreshing after so much Imperial game-playing. Spock, however, had no desire to do anything which might be construed as crossing Sulu, and Courtland appeared to have the same caution. It would be convenient if Costain could be used as a hold on Courtland, as Valley was a hold on DelMonde, but Spock was not about to suggest it. And Kirk intended to withhold any such pleasures until they were safely on Rigel and he could barter them to his advantage.
His thoughts circled again and Spock found himself considering Kirk and Marlena. He had understood all she had done while en route to Terra. Even after they had formulated their escape plan, he had tolerated it, knowing that it was simply sad fate that they could no longer express their dreams as one, even as they came to a dismal end. But with the so far successful gambit, things had changed. Hope was with them again. And Marlena was more trapped now than before. It burned in him to think of her with Kirk, knowing that she lay under him, that he penetrated that which Spock had claimed. To return to the status quo would have been barely tolerable, as always, but this...
Spock did not know how long his fury could be buried, his possessiveness ignored. Was there indeed any danger now in taking her openly, in proposing an exchange of women? Kirk could no longer call down Imperial wrath upon him, nor could he simply eliminate his First Officer. The rebellion needed him, for he brought the power of all Vulcan to it. Did it still need Kirk? They had no more need for playing the Imperial games, and should any such need arise, they had Noel DelMonde. Sulu would certainly have no objection to the elimination of Kirk. All in all, it would be a fair trade, would it not; Marlena for Kirk’s life and the Antari Kirk wanted to control? Yes, fool, trade in Sulu’s goods! he spat at himself.
Yet I need her, I want her - Marlena, this must cease!
It’s something I’m told Vulcans do to their women. Shall I call Marlena for you?
Spock shuddered again, then blocked the sharp edge of fear from his mind and went back to his work.
Captain O’Niall met with Valley and Costain in her office. The Senator from Indi was subdued, but clearly angry, while Valley seemed relaxed and curious. She offered them both drinks. Costain declined, Valley took a glass of good scotch. She gestured them to chairs in front of her desk, taking her place behind it. Valley, sat, Costain stood, arms folded, glaring at her.
“Gentlemen,” she began, “I imagine you’re wondering just what is going on.”
“You’re a traitor, Captain O’Niall,” Costain interrupted. “I intend to make it clear to the Imperium that I was brought along on this fool’s errand – whatever it is – under false pretenses.”
“Oh, there were no false pretenses, Senator,” Illyana told him. “The invitation was genuine. The Emperor conducted a ceremony, allegedly to honor the accomplishments of Captain Kirk and the Enterprise.” She smiled, leaning forward over her desk. “What was actually intended was this: a Rigellian traitor would rise up and slaughter the Imperial heroes just as they were about to receive their decorations. Their operatives would then slay the traitor, Don DelMonde would be arrested – but not before more Rigellian terrorists had blown the Enterprise out of space. A purge would follow, all the infidels would be discovered, Rigel would become a puppet system, the DelMonde line eliminated. My homeworld would come under official sanction for having had dealings with Rigel, and your colonies would be subject to unofficial but intense scrutiny due to your dealings with Kirk.” She sat back, letting the horror that was plainly evident on Costain’s face sink in.
“I take it, Captain, that this little scenario isn’t what actually occurred,” Valley said calmly.
“Not exactly,” Illyana conceded.
“What has happened to the Enterprise?” Costain whispered.
“She’s fine, as far as I know,” Yana replied. Costain whispered something relieved and heartfelt in Indiian. And just why are you concerned about that? she wondered. “On her way to Rigel – as are we.”
“Rigel!” Costain exclaimed. “I won’t be a party to treason!”
“I’m afraid you already are,” Illyana returned. “To answer your question, Senator Valley, the Emperor was assassinated, apparently by rebels from Antares and Indi.” She couldn’t keep the smirk from her face. “At least, that’s what Don DelMonde declared at the time.”
Costain’s face went white. Valley scowled. “That’s why you conveniently delayed us, Captain.”
O’Niall nodded. “There was quite a bit of carnage. The Don’s Equian Consigliore went wild, killing a number of people. Kirk and his senior officers did a lot of damage. Duchessa Monolem-Calvario and her escort, Terlord Gage were abducted by Kirk’s Security Chief, who implicated Haven in your alien conspiracy of treason.” She grinned. “I gather it was quite a mess.”
“You can’t get away with this!” Costain stammered. “The Imperium will have every ship in Fleet after you!”
“Not every ship I suspect, yes, Captain?” Valley put in.
“It hardly matters,” Yana agreed noncommittally. “The Imperium already knows who the traitors are. It’s just that, once we get to Rigel, they’ll never find us.” She paused significantly. “Or you.”
“This is impossible,” Costain managed. “I am a loyal Terran, a loyal subject…”
“Joel, you stopped being that the first time you sent one of your ‘gifts’ to an official you thought needed watching.”
Illyana’s interest was peaked, but she wisely chose to keep silent. “Well, Senators, I’ll leave you to consider your positions. I can tell you that the alliance would welcome your cooperation, and since the Imperium has already declared you traitors…” She let the sentence drop. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate to let the guards know. They’ll be stationed right outside your cabins.” She smiled, showing all her teeth, then stood. “Good day, Senators.”
Everything was set. The Don would live, the cloak had worked, the Intrepid would lead the Siva and Kali into a fatal trap, the Artemis potentially brought the complete if initially unwilling cooperation of Indi and Antares. The work on planetary defenses would be given to them and the Draco worlds and Vulcan, as well as being used on Halkan and Rigel. Work on warp shuttles would guarantee a supply line. A revolution was no longer a goal.
Kirk smiled to himself as he waited in his quarters. Being Emperor was so close he could taste it. A nagging worry, DelMonde, was smoothed over by the surety of his control over Ruth. She may belong to Sulu, but this was his ship and the crew was loyal to him. Something could be arranged, he was sure. As sure as he was that something could be arranged with Marlena. No status quo, not this time. He would be given some reward for his part in all this. Open rebellion meant he was no longer needed as a go-between with Fleet, but - his ship, his crew, and they’d need good military strategists. Sesek and O’Niall simply wouldn’t be enough - and when it came to tactics, neither of them were in his league.
He was sipping at a glass of brandy when Marlena came in. She didn’t look at him. It made him wonder again just how much of her relief in the transporter room was a sham. A show for the Don, perhaps? Why? No matter. “Marlena,” he said.
“Yes, Jim,” she replied softly.
“We need to talk.”
She took a deep breath. “Yes, we do.” She came over to him, sitting beside him on the bed. “Jim, I... the last week...” She paused, looking away from him. “I wanted to make you happy...”
“A going away present,” he murmured. She flushed.
“Because I cared, Jim.”
“Because I could take it and you’d rather avoid the pain.”
The bluntness seemed to startle her. “It wasn’t - all like that.”
"Maybe not all,” he conceded. “Ninety-five percent.”
She started to get up. “If you’re going to...”
He grabbed her arm, pulling hard. “We’ll talk, Marlena. My way.”
She swallowed. “Jim, you won’t listen to reason...”
“I won’t listen to a con,” he snapped back. “I want honesty and I want a fair settlement.” Her eyes searched his for what seemed like a very long time. Finally, she glanced down at the deck.
“I don’t love you, Jim.”
“I’m not asking you to,” he replied.
Her voice was a whisper. “I can’t do it.”
“You did,” he countered.
“For a few days...”
“Am I that repulsive, Marlena?”
She looked up again, tears filling her eyes. “It’s not that, it’s just...” Her voice faltered and she again glanced down.
“Just what?” Jim demanded.
“I don’t love you. I can’t give you a lie...”
“What lie? I said I’m not asking you to...”
“...I can’t live one myself!”
“Goodbye as a lie is all right, though?” he blazed. She winced, shrinking from him.
“Jim, please... “
He pulled her sharply to him, snarling, “I can still take it, Lieutenant.”
“Why?” Marlena cried out. “Why do you want to when you know how I feel? Why me, why do you want a woman who doesn’t....”
“Because I love you!” Jim shouted. “Or haven’t you ever noticed?” He stared into her suddenly blank eyes. “You aren’t leaving me, Marlena. No more games. Hate me all you want, but you’re staying!”
He released her, nearly throwing her to the deck, and turned away. He heard her run from the room, but didn’t care. She’d come back, willingly or no. He’d drag her back if he had to. He turned, almost too stunned to move, and poured himself another brandy. He had to gulp it down before he could think clearly again. He’d said it. The most dangerous thing a man could say, words he had never believed he would say to anyone. He hadn’t even been aware he was thinking them, but once said...
They had been there for a long time. Exactly how long, he couldn’t say. Were they there before all of this started? Reluctantly he had to admit the possibility. Hadn’t he been afraid of the hold Marlena was gaining on him? Isn’t that why he’d been thinking of replacing her?
And isn’t that why, in the long run, and when all else is set aside, you’ve been cooperating with this conspiracy all along?
Bitter fury welled inside him. He was lost, he needed Marlena Moreau. And she knew it. How long would it be before Spock knew it, Sulu, the Don? How long would it be before he was crucified for it, with it?
He drained another glass of brandy, then hurled the glass against the screen that hid the Tantalus, crying in his mind that which would not come from his lips:
Marlena, don’t leave me!