Return to Valjiir Stories
The next few days were a hectic battle of wills. Ruth heaped more and more work on LiLing; Sulu retaliated with strict, exhaustive drills, justifying his actions to the First Officer with calm, inescapable logic. Finally someone complained to the captain.
Jim sat in his office, going over what he was going to say. That Spock approved of his assistant’s actions was obvious. His reaction to Jim’s suggestion that he curb Ruth’s vindictiveness had been a raised eyebrow and a “Miss Valley is not assigning any more work than she has, at times, done herself.” And since that was true, the captain couldn’t very well argue the point.
Jim sighed. If it starts disrupting my ship… mister, this is your last warning.
Ruth and Sulu entered the office at the same time, Sulu bowing graciously to allow Ruth to precede him with a smile that could cut dylithium. Ruth’s answering smile was a glittering display of ice. It was the push Jim’s irritation needed.
“All right, you two, sit down!” he barked sternly. The two officers glanced at each other, but obeyed. Jim took a deep breath. “I know all about this private war of yours,” he said, “and it’s going to stop.” Both started a protest and Jim stared them silent. “Regardless of my personal feelings, regardless of who’s right and who’s wrong,” he glanced at Sulu, “I cannot and will not allow this to continue. You’re both acting like children. You’re intelligent officers, you’re supposed to be able to do your work without bringing your private grievances into it.” Again both started to speak and again Jim silenced them with a look. “I don’t care who started it. I’m finishing it.” He regarded Ruth. “Miss Valley, you’re going to stop the doubling of Ensign LiLing’s workload.” His gaze switched to Sulu. “Lieutenant Commander, the drills aren’t called for. That’s it.”
“Captain, Ensign LiLing wants to make a career of…” Ruth began at the same time as Sulu’s:
“Lieutenant Valley is in Command training, sir…”
“I don’t want any discussion, mister!” Jim stated harshly.
“Jim, he’s wrong!” Ruth blurted out.
“Jim, is it?” Sulu retorted viciously. “That makes it all clear, doesn’t it?”
“Enough!” Jim’s fist came down on his desk. He stared at Ruth. “Yes, he’s wrong, morally, ethically, he’s a bastard, but there are no Starfleet regulations against being a bastard!”
“Thank you, sir,” Sulu said tightly. Jim swallowed.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Sulu.” He sighed. “You have my orders, both of you. It stops. Now. Or I’ll take official action.” He took another deep breath. “Dismissed.”
Sulu left quickly, but Ruth turned at the door. “I’m sorry I lost my temper, Jim.”
Jim shook his head. “It’s all right, Ruth. It’s an easy thing to do with this mess. Just lay off, alright? There’s nothing to gain from it.” He paused. “Is Mrs. Majiir getting any better?”
Ruth sighed. “I wish I knew. Sometimes she seems to be, but…”
“It doesn’t last,” Jim nodded. “I wish I understood more about Indiian psychology.”
Ruth shrugged. “That’s what we’ve got the shrink for, isn’t it?” It was her turn to pause. “Jim, why don’t you just transfer Ensign LiLing? It would save us all a hell of a lot of trouble.”
Jim grimaced. “She’s a good officer, Ruth.”
“She’s a scheming bitch.”
“No Fleet regulations against that, either,” the captain grinned wearily.
“There should be.”
Damn it, damn it, damn it! No regulations against being a bastard. Would that have stopped you? ‘You’re wrong, morally, ethically…’ I know, I know! But there’s nothing I can do, doesn’t the very fact that I was attracted to Li in the first place prove that? And that I still think about Ruth, about Jeremy, about Monique and Tara and Kevin and Loki and Sakura and…
'It is your due, just and proper acknowledgment of your power and divinity.'
'You have to let her blame you for it. You have to be prepared to hear her tell you it’s your fault, that your tia made her do it.'
'The words came from within me, not from what is right, what is proper. It is the truth, and I am helpless before it – and as with The Time, when I can no longer control myself…'
STOP!
Sulu lifted a hand to his forehead, thunder pounding in his temples. He wearily leaned against the wall of the turbolift. He couldn’t take much more of this. And why in god’s name did you think this would be easier than simply fucking Jilla senseless anytime you wanted LiLing?
Maybe because there wouldn’t’ve been time to eat or sleep or breathe…
You bore it for a year before Jilla agreed…
And I don’t ever want to go through that hell again.
I repeat; is this so much better?
Yes… no… fuck, I don’t know! And it doesn’t matter! Even if it worked, if I could eventually bury it all again, it’s still here, inside me. It’s still just waiting for the chance to break out and devour everything around me. I’d still have to fight it every day, I’d still have to see Jilla hurt and helpless and resigned… and even if I could’ve convinced myself that I was strong enough to take it, it’s too fucking late now! I can’t go back to fidelity, can I? Even if I never cheated on her again, that wouldn’t erase this.
Accept it. This is what you’ve got.
‘I’ll transfer Ensign LiLing before I replace you.’
Not if we put in for a transfer together.
His heart thudded painfully at the thought, an immediate, desperate negation.
But if it will save Jilla…
‘D’Artagnan, do not go to her!’
NO!
He swallowed the pain and regret and loss and straightened. When the lift door opened, he strode to his cabin as if nothing had happened. LiLing was waiting for him. She had been demanding that he stop Ruth’s malice and hadn’t been too receptive to his attempts to convince her that he had done all he could. He hoped that the news of the captain’s intervention would please her.
It didn’t.
“Why didn’t you take this to him three days ago?” she demanded. He bristled.
“After Spock’s reaction, I didn’t think it would do any good.,” he told her. “Besides, I seriously doubt he would’ve taken the complaint seriously if it came from me. Or from you,” he added, half to himself.
“And why not?” Li shot back indignantly. “I haven’t done anything to make him dismiss me.”
“And I have?” Sulu shot back.
“You were the one who put on the two year long performance of devoted – “ she stopped, and Sulu was certain she had been about to say ‘husband.’
“It wasn’t a performance,” he said from between clenched teeth.
“And you weren’t married to her,” LiLing snarled.
“I’m not married to you, either.” She abruptly turned from him.
“Yes, I know.” The bitterness in her voice surprised him, even while a part of him said manipulation. He sighed and gently took her shoulders to turn her back to him.
“Li…” he began. There were tears in her eyes and he stopped.
“Please, Jilla, just try, for me, I won’t hurt you, I swear it…”
And she had turned from him, silent tears sliding down her cheeks...
He broke, moving away from LiLing, unable to face the memory and the damnation screaming in his head. He didn’t see Li’s eyes hardening, or the angry resolve coming over her features, nor did he notice when she left the cabin.
Jade again shifted her attention from the medical logs to the lab results. She had been studying Leonard’s miracle cure for several days, and while she couldn’t dispute his findings of the shift in Jilla’s system from receptors of sexual arousal to emotional arousal, there was still something missing. By every simulation she could program, Jilla’s emotional pull toward Sulu should’ve worn off when the build-up of the farr’k enzyme dissipated. It hadn’t. A year resisting the chemical compulsion had done nothing to dampen it. If anything, it seemed stronger for the forbearance. Even the psychological theory of reaction to trauma didn’t seem quite enough to explain the terrible toll the lack of Sulu’s attention was taking on the Indiian’s system. But for the life of her, Jade couldn’t find a single model that did.
She sighed and rubbed her fingers over her eyes. What am I missing? she asked herself yet again. There has to be something I’m missing. She closed her eyes, forcing herself to go through it yet again.
Selar’s genetic manipulation introduced the farr’k enzyme. Since Jilla’s not Vulcan, she didn’t have the normal female coding for the stabilization of the cycle; thus, it built up in her system, causing the physical, chemical urge to mate or die. Leonard introduced an adrenaline derivative that switched the chemical receptors from those of sexual stimulation to the Indiian emotional ones. Thus, Jilla essentially went from sexual pon farr to emotional pon farr, and because Sulu’s was the first emotion she sensed, the cycle fixated on him – as the sexual one had on Spock because Selar had attuned her mind to respond to Vulcan pheromones…
Wait. There’s something there. Something about why the cycle fixates on…
Because seven-year-olds are attuned to each other with a mental connection, a pre-bonding link that forces the male to fixate on the female when the enzymic build-up causes the chemical change in his system. Without that link, every seven years Vulcan men would go around grabbing any sexually mature female in a 100 meter radius and would continue doing so for four to seven days when the build-up would be flushed out of their systems – or until one of the females happened to conceive and secrete the stabilizing hormones, which he would absorb through the next instance of sexual intercourse. But the mind-touch ensures that he’ll obsess on one female only, which stabilizes Vulcan society.
And is ensuring their slow but inevitable decline in population, along with the fact that the enzyme is causing an erosion in the female sexual response system, she added irrelevantly and annoyingly. She sternly reminded herself to get back on track, but was distracted at the signal from the intercom.
“Mon Dieu, Doctor, come quickly!” Monique DuBois’ voice gasped. “Jilla is… la petite chienne est… in the mess, hurry!”
Jade was up, racing out of her office as fast as she could run.
Dr. McCoy had insisted she come to the mess. He explained carefully if gruffly that she wasn’t eating enough and that as ship’s medical officer, it was his duty to order her to eat and to see that she did so. Jilla had acquiesced numbly, not really caring if he succeeded in getting her to consume some nourishment. It would only delay the inevitable. As would the aiming of emotion at her certain members of the crew had been doing for weeks. She understood their reaction, and so didn’t bother to argue with them. The pain their attempts caused her was deserved retribution for her sin. She regretted that her eventual death would cause them such anguish, but she had at long last accepted that there was little she could do ease them. There was only one thing now that she couldn’t bear, only one tia that caused her any but the most fleeting of responses. Thoughts of him still burned her, still seared longing into her; the memory of his warmth and caring devotion caught in her lungs, making breath nearly impossible. She still ached for his smile, the sound of his voice, his touch. If he had given her the chance, she would have begged, pleaded with him to do what he wanted, what he needed to do, and only, simply return to her. Shame flared briefly and was gone. She barely acknowledged the wry realization of what Jade Han or Ruth Valley would have said to the sentiment.
Dr. McCoy was pushing worried, tentative affection at her along with the tray of food. She let the emotion sting her, then fade, and dutifully picked up a spoon, placing it into the bowl of vegetable soup the doctor had brought her.
Then she looked up as a caustic voice and tia swept her senses.
“I don’t know what you’ve been doing, Lieutenant Majiir,” Ensign LiLing’s voice hissed, “but I’m warning you, leave him alone.”
“Ensign, you’re way out of line,” McCoy said as he stood from his chair.
Jilla felt emotion crashing into her. She was suddenly, acutely aware of the other people in the mess: Mr. Scott sat with Noel DelMonde, both engineers glancing quickly up; Daphne and Pavel stopped their usual bantering arguing, turning to stare at her; Ruth and Spock had just entered, heading for the replicator. Monique and Uhura shared a table with Ramon Ordona, M’ress and Mrraal just rising to return their dinner trays to the recycling unit.
“It’s over,” LiLing was continuing. “I thought he’d made that clear when he threw you out of his quarters.”
The memory sent tendrils of pain through Jilla’s being – but with it came the beginnings of a feral anger.
“That’s quite enough, young lady,” McCoy was growling at the ensign. His emotion fed Jilla’s rage.
“And I’ve had enough of this crew’s deliberate animosity!” LiLing blazed. “Lieutenant Commander Sulu and I made a decision to share our lives together…”
Jilla inhaled sharply. Your lives…?! Her ferocity increased.
“… and the fact that it just happened to interfere with other people’s plans for him…” the Asian glared fiercely at Jilla, “...may be unfortunate, but that’s just too damned bad!” She redirected her words from McCoy back to Jilla. “He doesn’t want you anymore, Lieutenant…”
Liar! Jilla’s mind screamed.
“…he chose me…”
You took him from me! There was no despair in the thought, only accusation and insult.
“…and I’m hardly to blame for the fact that you couldn’t hold on to your man!”
Jilla rose, fully intending to simply walk past the young woman, though her being was ablaze with fury. Vulcan control guided her tense movement, ignoring McCoy’s thundered, “Ensign, I said…” But LiLing grabbed her arm.
“No, not this time,” the ensign snapped. “You and I are going to have this out. I want you to understand me, Indiian, leave him alone. I’m not giving you a choice.”
The touch was galvanizing. It sent the anger screaming through Jilla’s mind, silver fire suddenly flashing through her veins. Sentient thought nearly fled, leaving only snarling rage that Jilla could neither control nor banish. And unlike every other emotion for the past three weeks, it did not fade, and its burn was of wrath and possessiveness, not anguish.
“You dare!?” Jilla hissed, and her words came out in scathing, demeaning Vulcan. “The male is mine, fatherless whore! I will Challenge you for him and see you die!”
There was no knowledge of Indi or of Aema as Jilla attacked.
Panicked, Monique leapt to the intercom, calling frantically for Dr. Han. Scotty and Del immediately headed to restrain their fellow engineer. Ruth and Spock, likewise, started to her side. Pavel was right behind Monique, calling Sulu’s cabin as soon as the French navigator was off the com.
The sound of the com broke through Sulu’s desolation and he groaned. Why won’t you just leave me alone! he cried at it, but wearily thumbed the answering switch.
“Sulu,” he said heavily.
“Sulu,” came Pavel Chekov’s voice, “you need to come to the mess right away.”
“Tell the schmuck his bitch attacked Jilla!” Daffy Gollub shouted.
“Dafshka, that is not strictly…”
Sulu left his cabin before Pavel had finished the sentence.
What did she say?! Ruth mentally shrieked at Spock. The Vulcan’s face was openly alarmed.
She is Challenging, he replied, his mental tone confused and perplexed. But a female does not…
A female doesn’t go into pon farr either, Ruth interrupted. She launched herself toward Jilla as the Indiian dropped to the deck, LiLing under her. The ensign was shrieking, trying to fend off Jilla’s assault, but the engineer was all claws and glowing fury, tearing at her rival’s face and throat. Ruth reached for her friend’s arms, trying to pull her away, and Jilla turned, spitting rage, and Ruth found herself skidding backwards across the deck.
She is Vulcan, she is far stronger than she looks, Spock’s voice explained unnecessarily as he knelt, helping the Antari up.
Yeah, no shit, Ruth returned. The memory of Jilla’s reaction in Spock’s cabin so long ago echoed between them. Then Spock was steadying her as both Del and Scotty were thrown unceremoniously beside them.
“Mere de dun!” Del gasped as Spock reached down, assisting Scotty to his feet. Ruth readied herself to try again, when Jade’s voice suddenly screeched, “Jilla, kroykah!”
Jilla was consumed with raw, animal ferocity. She fought, knowing only that there was but one way to end the horror that was consuming her. If she could destroy the interloper, life would return to her, he would return to her. She would tear the beautiful face, silence the mocking voice, she would transform all the hateful triumph in her rival’s emotions to the bitter ashes she had tasted for two months. She had the right, the male was hers…
“Jilla, kroykah!”
The sound froze her and with the cessation, sentience returned. Ensign LiLing lay gasping beneath her, red blood on the Asian face, clawing scratches at her throat and chest.
Telmnor, what have you done!
She began trembling, half of her still lusting for LiLing’s death, the other for her own. Vulcan possessiveness pounded in her heart, Indiian anguish at her soul. You fight for him, for one who deserted you…
For my life, my being…
You deserve neither! And you dare to call her whore?
Jilla collapsed, sobs now tearing at her throat, the word crying from her lips in Indiian, and Vulcan, and Anglo.
“Whore!”
Jade crouched beside Jilla as the Indiian fell into her arms. “Leonard, see to the ensign,” she said, then turned as Ruth came up beside her. Before she could say another word, the Antari had grasped Jilla’s head, her purple eyes fixed intently on the Indiian.
Ruth struggled to deal with the emotion that raged to her from Jilla’s soul. The conflict was deep and irresolvable, too much fear and torment and fury, with death running all through it. She absorbed the helpless cries of ‘whore!’ nearly breaking with the agony of it. No, Jilla! she cried, and could form no more words other than a repeated, no, no, no! The Indiian’s being was racing away, neither the Vulcan command nor the proprietary need enough to anchor it.
“No!” Ruth sobbed and felt Spock’s arms coming around her, hearing the hiss of a hypospray. Jilla went limp and Ruth turned, burying her head against her husband’s chest.
“Help me get her to Sickbay,” Jade murmured.
Ruth pulled away from Spock, allowing him to lift Jilla’s inert form into his arms. She felt Del’s anguish and sent him a brief, healing touch of shielding, acknowledging his silent thanks with a weary smile that didn’t touch her features. When she turned to follow Spock and Jade, she met Sulu’s suffering, tormented, misery-laden eyes.
Sulu had run all the way to the mess hall. There was no coherent thought in him, only terrible dread at the thought of Jilla being attacked. That there was no concern whatsoever for LiLing wasn’t even acknowledged. He reached the large area, hearing Jilla’s voice shrieking Vulcan curses, then Jade’s almost thunderous shout of “Kroykah!”
He raced across the room, only to be stopped as Mrraal’s large, fur-covered hand shot up, grabbing him by the arm. M’ress and Uhura immediately began snarling at him. Monique came up and slapped him as she and Ramon stepped past him. And Daffy Gollub’s voice seethed, “Ah, there's the schmuck,” her petite form stalking toward him. Uncharacteristically, Pavel didn’t look like he was in a hurry to stop her.
“Do you see what the slut’s done to her?” Daffy demanded. “Are you happy now? Maybe we should all go have a nosh and celebrate, you shande putz!”
Sulu didn’t hear her. His gaze was fixed in blank horror on Jilla, who was sobbing in Ruth’s arms, her agonized voice a mixture of Vulcan and Indiian and Anglo – all saying the same thing: ‘whore.’
That’s what you left her with! his tortured brain screamed at him. What kind of chance did she have? But you were too selfish, too narcissistic, too fucking blinded by your own petty little problems…
“I’m talking to you, putz!” Daffy screamed in his face. He heard but couldn’t be grateful for Pavel’s uneasy,
“Dafshka, I believe he knows what he has done.”
Sulu blinked, finding it very hard to swallow. He saw Jade giving Jilla an injection, watched as the Indiian fell unconscious. He saw Spock lifting Jilla into his arms, and Ruth rising, turning, her tear-filled eyes searching, finding…
She moved so fast he couldn’t have prepared himself if he’d wanted to. Fiery purple eyes locked onto his, her voice a vicious whisper in his head.
This is what she is, you bastard!
And his mind was filled with agony, the empty horror that had become Jilla’s existence. He saw the pain and the numbing grief, he felt the despair and desolation. He knew the searing drives of Vulcan need and hunger, countered and shamed by worthless degradation and damnation. The emotions were too familiar, too much like the secrets he had kept from Ruth for so long and he recoiled, trying to fall away from the Antari’s vehemence – when one final image reached him: Jilla’s fragile, wounded being, growing dimmer and dimmer, fading until there was nothing left to eat, to sleep, to breathe – to live.
NO!!
Then Ruth was gone, the rest of the people rapidly leaving the mess.
Dr. McCoy ambled past him, muttering, “Ensign LiLing will be fine; just bruised and scratched up a mite,” and Sulu realized he hadn’t given a single thought to her. Her plaintive, pouting voice reached his ears.
“Sulu-chan, she hurt me!”
The disgust that rose within him was total and overwhelming. What have you done, you bastard, son of a bitch, schmuck, shande putz?
Pav’s right. You know.
How do I get out of it!
How about as easy as you got into it?
He turned to LiLing, his face hardened with resolve. He grasped her arm and pulled her after him.
“Doctor, will she survive?”
“I don’t think so, Spock. What’s worse, I don’t think she wants to.”
“Is there nothing we can do?”
“I’ve done all I can…”
“I meant to ease her death, Jade.”
“Spock!”
“It is the only logical choice left, is it not?”
Jilla slowly came to consciousness, only differentiating that state because she could recognize the voices that were speaking around her – and that they spoke of compassion. Leave me, it is undeserved, the Indiian half sobbed. The Vulcan half rejected the logic of euthanasia, thirsting for vengeance, for Challenge and Claim. She was almost grateful that she would not be called upon to make a decision. Already the ice of telmnori was consuming Vulcan blood fever. If they would but leave her alone, she would at last take her place in Beggar’s Court…
And free him from the consequences of his actions? Vulcan seethed within her. Allow him to shame you, damn you, with no cost?
He made no vow…
The vow is here, I feel it!
Enough, telmnor! Face your doom.
“Leave me,” she whispered, and winced as Spock’s tia washed over her with waves of sorrow and dismay.
“Rilain,” he said softly, “allow us to ease your suffering.” She shook her head mutely. “You see Ensign LiLing as rival, your Vulcan blood will burn you unless…”
“Let it burn, Spock.”
“If it could cleanse you, or hasten the inevitable…” There was clear anguish in his tone, and again Jilla winced.
“It comes soon enough,” she rasped. “I have blasphemed for more than a year. A few weeks is just.” Her voice caught. “More than just.” She steeled herself and opened her eyes, looking up at him. “Please, I beg of you.” She shifted her gaze, meeting Jade’s worried, fearful expression. “Jade, please, stop this. Let me go.”
The doctor turned abruptly and Spock hesitated, then with grieving resolve, slowly nodded.
LiLing threw herself into his arms the minute the door to his cabin was closed. Sulu shuddered. He couldn’t exactly blame her. It had been his usual pattern; drag her inside his quarters and fuck her brains out whenever anything had upset him. Not this time, he told himself grimly, though his body was responding like it always had. Suffer! he shouted at it, and pushed LiLing away.
She was smiling almost viciously, starting to pull off her uniform. “Don’t bother,” he snarled at her. “You’re not staying.”
She froze. “What?”
“You heard me.”
“What do you mean, I’m not staying?” she returned, and he heard the edge to her voice. “I live here, Sulu.”
“Not any more.”
Her dark eyes went wide. “What are you saying?” she demanded. There was a note of dismay coming into her tone, and he found himself wondering if it was at all genuine.
“I’m saying it’s done, Li,” he said, and made his voice as calm as he could.
She inhaled sharply. “Sulu-chan, you can’t mean…!”
“I can,” he said. “I do.”
“Just because I… because she…” He watched her take a deep breath, could almost feel the panic. “Sulu, I’m sorry, I was just so frustrated at the way the crew treats you… I’ll ignore her from now on, I swear I will… Sulu… please…” She took a step towards him. “It’s only because I…”
“Don’t say it, Li,” Sulu broke in. “You don’t love me anymore than I love you.”
Bitter fury came into her eyes. “Then why…?”
“Because I’m stupid,” he growled. “Because I’m weak. Because I’m a selfish bastard and you were convenient.”
“I was what?” Her voice was cold, and he steeled himself, knowing he had to look her in the eye as he said the things he was about to say.
“You were there, Li, and I was looking for an excuse. I convinced myself that she’d be better off without me because I wanted you.” He paused. “Or maybe I convinced myself I wanted you because I thought she’d be better off without me.” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter now. I was wrong. Whether I’m worthy or not, whether she could do better or not, whether or not I’m strong enough or good enough or loyal enough or faithful enough…” He had to take a quick, pain-filled breath. “…she needs me. And I love her.”
“And why is it only about what she needs, Sulu-chan,” LiLing purred. “I know what you need, I can give it to you…”
'I lay the galaxy at your feet, my Kamikaze. Yours, for the taking, to experience to the fullest. There are pleasures, my pet, that you have not yet dreamed of. These I would give you, teach you to take them and make them yours.'
Sulu closed his eyes against the assault of memory. He’d been giving in to that voice for two months. No more! I won’t be that monster, I won’t be Cal’s ‘pet.’ It was Jilla’s gentle acceptance that had contained it, her love, her innocence, her sweetness that kept it leashed and tamed.
“What I need,” he said to LiLing, and to the demon within him, “is Jilla.”
They argued for nearly an hour before Sulu simply stopped saying anything other than “I love Jilla, I need her, I want you out of my life.” He didn’t really know why he’d tried so hard to explain to LiLing – other than the hope that once he’d decided to stop being a bastard, it meant he wouldn’t be a bastard to anybody. And it wasn’t Li’s fault, he acknowledged that. He’d used her, he’d hurt her – as much as it’s possible to hurt neutronium, he added caustically, then immediately chastised himself. It had hardly been fair to the ensign. And while it was true that she was as willing to ignore his commitment to Jilla as he had been, she hadn’t been the one to break any promises. Her parting shot had been a cutting, “she won’t have you back, Sulu. And don’t think you can come crawling back to me.” He told her he wouldn’t think of trying to, and she’d slapped him, then left the cabin.
Now all I have to do is find some way to make it up to Jilla.
Unless Li’s right. Unless she won’t let you.
It doesn’t matter. I have to do this for her, I have to let her know…
What? That you hurt her and you’ll keep on hurting her and…
That I love her and I was wrong! What else can I do? Just let her fade… let her die?
If that’s what she wants, maybe.
He shuddered. He couldn’t face that. It was being selfish again, he knew, but the thought sent more fear through him that he could even comprehend, let along deal with.
I’ve got to talk to her, he told himself, try to explain – what you should’ve done in the first place, shande putz! – how ashamed I was of my own reactions, how afraid I was of hurting her, how certain I was that I would hurt her, of the pressure I was putting on myself to be perfect.
And if it doesn’t make any difference? He swallowed, accepting that terrible possibility as the true measure of his due.
Then I’ll love her for as long as she has left, and accept Aema’s judgment.