Chiksa Abdication

by Laurel Leigh

AKA CLP
(Part Two of the Chiksa Chronicles)
With many thanks to Skazitelnitsy for the original story

       The Mergonian detention camp haunted his nightmares. No amount of vodka drowned the memories, no amount of leave buried them. He didn't want to feel as he did, he didn't want to blame Sulu - but he did. He couldn't help it. As hard as he tried to believe that what the lieutenant had done had saved him from Vargik and a brutal rape, the knowledge that Sulu was and had been attracted to him squirmed in his mind, a festering, ugly wound. It wasn't that the idea in and of itself was particularly horrid - though Pavel himself had never had such feelings for another man. And it wasn't that Sulu was repulsive; Pavel could quite dispassionately agree that the helmsman was a handsome man.
       But he wanted me - he tricked me in order to satisfy his own desires. Worse, he tricked me into making the suggestion myself.
       Pavel knew very well that what Sulu had done had saved him from Vargik - or was even that much true? We were rescued the same day... and how could Sulu possibly have known that? Don't be more paranoid than you must. - but that wasn't the point. It wasn't even the point that Sulu had never claimed the action would save him. A new, terrible thought struck him. The ugly guard had capitulated easily enough when Sulu proclaimed that Pavel belonged to him. Was that staged? He shook his head. Fear makes you apprehensive, Pasha, makes you suspect innocent - or at least unconscious motives. No, the point was that Pavel would never be able to look at Sulu without seeing the desire. Pavel would never know if Sulu was thinking of him, planning some kind of new seduction or trickery or - and he shuddered at the thought - order. The lieutenant's harsh accusations of insubordination weighed heavily on him. He had been consumed by his own fears and the need to conceal them and had not, he could admit, given the lieutenant the respect a superior deserved. Yet at the time, Sulu hadn't seemed to mind. He hadn't said a word about rank or military procedure until Vargik said he wanted me. Until he tried to order me to the Cossack's bed. A small part of his brain tried to tell him to be reasonable, that Sulu had only wanted him to live, even if that meant submitting to, welcoming degradation.
       But that is my choice, he argued with himself. As I told him, one cannot order another to do such a thing. And he agreed.
       Until it came to ordering me to kiss him.
       With desperate ferocity, Pavel tried to stop the images from returning.

       "Kiss me," the lieutenant ordered.
       Pavel obeyed, and Sulu slid his briefs down to the middle of his thighs, leaving his rump bare and vulnerable. A shiver of fright passed through his body as his naked backside was caressed.
       Sulu put a finger into Pavel's mouth, compelling him to suck it. He knew very well Pavel couldn't know what he was helping prepare for. But it didn't matter. Sulu slid the wet finger down to Pavel's buttocks. Pavel moaned as the finger pushed into him.
       "That's a good boy," Sulu crooned while working him. "That's a good boy. Just relax. Yes."
       Pavel squirmed, resisting when the second finger worked in. When the time came for the third finger, Pavel thrust against it, trying to push it out, push it away.
       "You're ready now, aren't you?" Sulu taunted as he bit Pavel's ear lobe. "You want it now."

"No!"
Pavel cried it out loud to his cabin. Tears filled his eyes and he scrubbed them angrily away. He must forget this, he must find a way to lock it away, as he had locked his fear and pain behind Russian arrogance and stoicism among the Mergonians. He had to return to duty in only a few hours, duty which required him to sit beside a man he had considered a friend, a man who had - who may have - maneuvered and manipulated him into allowing himself to be sodomized.

=====*****=====

       Chekov had avoided him the entire leave. Sulu wasn't really too surprised. He knew the ensign needed time to deal with the emotional fallout from what had happened. He hoped Chekov had found someone to talk to, someone who could help him through the storm of his own feelings and reactions. He had wanted desperately for it to be him, but he understood why Chekov might not be able to open up to him just yet. Yet, he repeated to himself. He will, eventually. I know he will. He has to.
       He had spent his own leave relaxing, taking good, hot baths, and renewing all the friendships that months in an alien detention center had interrupted. He was careful to only sleep with those who were as casual about sex as he usually was. The last thing he wanted was for Chekov to think that what happened the last night of their imprisonment meant nothing. He had considered celibacy, thinking to prove to Chekov that he was ready to contemplate a monogamous relationship, but his own needs had been building up for a considerable amount of time. It would be better, he decided, to take care of his own physical urgency before trying to build a relationship with someone whose only homosexual experience had been more than a little unusual.
       He arrived for his duty shift early, wanting to be able to tailor his greeting to Chekov's mood. He noted that Uhura, too, had shown up early and smiled at her. Her returned smile had a distinctly wary quality about it, and he shrugged as he took his seat. He and Chekov had been gone nearly four months. It would take a while for old routines to kick back in.
       Commander Spock came onto the Bridge and said a calm, "Welcome back, Lieutenant."
       "Thank you, Mr. Spock," Sulu returned. The Captain arrived and gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder as he took his seat in the con. Everyone on first shift was at their posts by the time Chekov finally stepped out of the turbolift.
       So much for tailoring a greeting, Sulu thought. Spock repeated his "welcome back" to Chekov, and Kirk leaned down to give the navigator a similar pat on the shoulder. Chekov shied away from the touch.
       "Morning, Chekov," Sulu said as noncommittally as he could.
       "Good morning," was the stiff reply.
       "Did you enjoy your leave?"
       "No. I did not."
       "Really? Why not?"
       "You know very well why not."
       Sulu bit his lip. "Do you want to talk, maybe at lunch..."
       "No," Chekov cut him off.
       "Course 127 mark 4, Mr. Chekov," Kirk said from behind them.
       "Course 127 mark 4 laid in, sir," Chekov responded immediately as his hands plotted and set the proper headings.
       "Warp factor one, Mr. Sulu."
       "Warp factor one, aye, sir," Sulu repeated and fed the instructions into the relays that would carry the Captain's order down to the engine room and the powerful dylithium matrix.
       "It's good to have you both back," Kirk commented warmly.
       Sulu's "thank you, sir" faded on his lips as Chekov muttered, "not really" under his breath.

=====*****=====

       Sulu caught sight of Uhura as she walked swiftly toward the messhall. "Hey, wait up!" he called. She stopped, but didn't turn to greet him. "What gives?" he said as he caught up to her. "You've been giving me the cold shoulder since I got back."
       "Nonsense, Lieutenant," she replied, but didn't elaborate any further.
       After an awkward pause, Sulu asked, "You headed for dinner?"
       "Yes, but I already have a dinner companion," she told him.
       "Can I join you?"
       "I don't think that would be wise, Lieutenant."
       His face grew puzzled. "Uhura..."
       Maybe it was the tone of his voice, or maybe the confused look in his eyes, but the lovely Communications officer seemed to relent. "Maybe another time, Sulu," she said, and gave him the same wary smile he'd seen on the Bridge his first day back. He sighed as she walked away. He was hungry, he might as well get some dinner himself anyway.
       When he stopped to think about it, it really shouldn't've surprised him. Chekov was rising from a chair, Uhura approaching him with a wide, warm smile. As she took a seat, the Russian leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. Sulu's heart thudded painfully. The resolution he'd made the day they'd been rescued, 'Somehow I'm going to find a way to make things right with him' sounded more than hollow. How could he make anything right when the ensign wouldn't even talk to him, would barely look at him?
       Chekov, why? It wasn't that horrible, was it? Or if it was, why won't you tell me, let me apologize?
       It had been three weeks of the silent treatment, three weeks of muttered comments and baleful glares and pretending his helm partner didn't exist. Obviously Chekov had told Uhura something that had turned her against him. But what? Uhura knew he'd been attracted to Chekov from minute one. She also knew he'd never force anything on the young Russian. Is that what he told you, that I forced him? Abruptly, Sulu had had enough. He strode over to the table, pulled out a chair and sat down uninvited.
       "Chekov, we need to talk and we need to talk right now," he said with no preliminary.
       "Pardon me, Lieutenant," the ensign returned frostily. "I am about to have dinner with..."
       "I don't care if you're having dinner with the Czar of all the Russias," Sulu cut him off. "We need to talk!"
       "Sugar," Uhura broke in gently, "maybe it's about time you did."
       "Nyota..." Chekov murmured and Sulu could hear the panic behind the quiet tone.
       He's afraid of me! came the sudden, anguished realization. I thought he'd be angry, or uncertain or even simply disgusted, but... afraid?
       "Chekov, what do you think I'm going to do?" he found himself whispering.
       The large brown eyes turned to him. The raw fear in them tore at Sulu's heart. "Call me chiksa?" was the bitter response. Sulu inhaled sharply, and Chekov got up, knocking over the chair he had been seated in.
       "If you will forgive me, Uhura," he said, "I've just lost my appetite."

=====*****=====
       Pavel finally stopped racing through the ship, though anyone looking at him would've seen no more than a determined stride. He blinked, looking around, and realized he was in a briefing room. He leaned on the table, bringing one shaking hand up to his forehead.
       You're being absurd, he told himself. He's not about to attack you, and even if he were, you were in a room full of fellow officers. You have to stop this, you have to deal with this.
       As it had for three weeks, the memory started replaying in his head. The Mergonians had scared the wits out of him. He had thought he would know what to expect. After all, he and Sulu were prisoners of war. Their release was being negotiated the entire time they'd been detained. There was no way their captors could have believed they would get away with any kind of abusive treatment. Yet they behaved in an inexplicable and deliberately provoking manner. They flaunted all political conventions, using psychological torture and intimidation and deprivation, not to mention plain physical violence. He had had no base to cling to, no sure ground on which to stand. He had been unable to comprehend Sulu's nearly laissez faire attitude. They were Starfleet officers! It was their duty to attempt escape whenever they could. It was their duty to resist, to sabotage, to defy and oppose their captors at every opportunity. He could not understand why Sulu didn't at least try to give the bastards back as good as he got. If it meant a little more mistreatment, what of it? There would then simply be more for which the Federation would demand redress.
       But as the weeks, then months dragged on, he had begun to consider the possibility that there would be no rescue, no negotiated release. He and Sulu would be prisoners in the sadistic detention camp for the rest of their lives. That thought terrified him more than had the incomprehensible treatment of the guards. To live the rest of his life with the uncertainty, under the threat of torture, at the whim and mercy of people he could not even begin to understand... no, death was preferable.
       But of course, none of this was clear to him at the time. All he knew was that he acted and reacted on instinct, using all his strength to keep himself from the paralyzing fear. He snarled and spat to keep it at bay. He used what he knew were tactics certain to get him reprimanded, not because he was stupid - not even because he was stubborn. But simply because that was the fall-back position when faced with unutterable terror. He knew Sulu hadn't understood - didn't understand. Sulu's fall-back was always keep a low profile; go along to get along. Live to fight another day, even when there might not be another day. Perhaps the helmsman valued life more. Or perhaps he valued honor less. What mattered was they were different, and so their reaction to captivity was different.
       And he was not singled out for personal humiliation, Pavel added. He doubted Sulu was aware of how many times he'd been pinched and caressed, his hair petted, his body groped. The helmsman was handsome; Pavel had the misfortune of being cute. He had thought that allowing his beard to grow would discourage that particular ignominy, but had found that the guards only thought him cuter for trying to look more mature. After that, he'd made it a point to shave twice a day.
       And so instead of telling him, of confiding in a friend, or even of making formal statement to a superior, you did nothing. And now you blame him because one of the Cossacks found you attractive enough to want to...
       No, not for that! He lied to me for his own reasons.
       The conversation came back clearly. Pavel had been returned to the cell he and Sulu shared after being subjected to Vargik's sadistic extra detail of clearing ice from the detention yard. He had been nearly frozen and had come to the only decision possible. Vargik had told him that if he didn't go willingly to his bed, Sulu would suffer a fatal accident. Honor might be more important than life, but it was not, could not be more important than Sulu's life.
       "So, what must I do to satisfy this... person?" he had asked, knowing little about the actual mechanics of homosexual contact. And he knew Sulu did have such knowledge. They had never discussed it, but Pavel was quite aware that his helm partner was bisexual. So when the lieutenant had answered, "I don't know," Pavel started to get angry.
       "I'm not being rhetorical," he stated as dispassionately as he could. "What will I have to do?"
       Sulu answered with a very unhelpful, "The thing that you probably want to do least... That's probably what he'll want to do most."
       Pavel both tried and tried not to imagine what 'thing' Sulu was referring to. His mind drew a blank. "And if I do this thing I do not wish to do," he said at last, with no clear picture of what he meant, "will he leave us alone?"
       "I don't know. I don't know how his mind works..." Sulu had replied after a lengthy pause, and Pavel knew it for the evasion it was. What he couldn't fathom was why the helmsman would be lying to him at a time like this. He remained silent, the fear building in him and he stacked more rigid control on top of it. Finally Sulu spoke again.
       "Yeah, it looks like it's a dominance thing. Chances are he'll lose interest in you if you don't resist... But you're going to resist."
       The coldness of the statement disturbed him. Of course he would resist. What man wouldn't? But he was no child, and he understood what was at stake. He would do his best to forebear. After all, to do this still unnamed thing and have Vargik still arrange for an accident would be unbearable. Surely the lieutenant knew this.
       "This thing I don't wish to do," he'd continued. "It will be painful?" He'd forced himself to stare into Sulu's eyes, hoping for some candor.
       "Yeah. This is a worst case scenario. You've never done it before. You don't want to do it. You hate this guy. He only wants to do it to humiliate you..."
       So very subtle, Hikaru! 'You've never done it before' as a 'worst case scenario.' You knew I would want to avoid the worst case. You led me to...
       "Would it make a difference? If I had done this thing before."
       Then you settled the deal, pretending to misunderstand me...
       "That still wouldn't take care of the fact that he's not going to be..."
       You 'let' me come to the conclusion you wanted...
       "It would make a difference though."
       And the icing on the cake, the final straw, the final lie...
       "I don't know..."
       And I took the last step myself, leaving you blameless and in the position of accommodating mentor.
       "I would know what to expect. I would not be so afraid."
       Sulu, how could you do this to me?

=====*****=====

       Sulu quickly followed Chekov out of the messhall. Now that he had an inking of understanding, he wasn't about to let the Russian get away without talking it out. He had to make Chekov see that he had nothing to fear. If you want it to have been a one-shot deal, that's what it'll be, Sulu vowed. I'm not a rapist.
       He saw the young ensign veer into a briefing room. Good. That's a relatively private place to talk that will avoid the intimacy of a cabin. When he stood in the doorway himself, he stopped cold. Chekov was leaning on the table, one trembling hand to his forehead, slow streaks of tears leaking from under tightly closed eyes.
       The sharp pain caught beneath Sulu's ribcage. He wanted nothing more than to rush to the navigator's side, to take the fragile form into his arms and ease away all the pain and fear the Russian had been holding in for three weeks. He took a step forward, speaking past the lump in his throat.
       "Chekov..."
       Chekov pivoted, bracing his back against the edge of the table. "Get away from me," he snarled.
       Sulu backed a step, holding his hands out, palms forward. "No, I... I just want to talk to you. I won't hurt you."
       "I hope you don't expect me to believe that."
       Sulu swallowed. "Why would you say something like that, Chekov? Haven't we been friends for..."
       "'Been' I would say is the operative word."
       "Chekov..." Sulu tried to catch his eyes. "Talk to me!"
       "Is that another order, Lieutenant?"
       "Damn it!" Sulu burst out in frustration. "I did what I thought was necessary, what you asked me to do! I was only trying to help..."
       "Yourself," Chekov spat. "You were only trying to help yourself and your attraction to me that began the moment you met me."
       Sulu closed his eyes. I knew I should've never admitted that to him, he thought miserably.
       "Oh yes, I asked you," Chekov was continuing. "You made quite sure I would." Sulu stared, unbelieving. The tears had stopped, and the ensign's eyes were cold and hard. "Perhaps it was you who put the idea into Vargik's head to begin with, hmm? So you would have the opportunity to maneuver me into asking you to do to me what you wanted to?"
       Sulu was stunned. Had Chekov actually thought...?
       "Perhaps you thought to share me between you? Perhaps it was you who wanted Vargik? Perhaps you wanted revenge for his preferring me?"
       "How can you say that?" Sulu broke in. "Chekov, I would never..."
       "Liar. You told me yourself."
       "I..." Sulu was taken completely aback. His jaw dropped open, and he rasped, "When?"
       "I said to you, 'in my position, you'd do the same yourself,'" Chekov said tightly. "And you said, quite clearly, 'no, I wouldn't.' You said 'I offered to go with Vargik in your place.' You said he turned you down."
       Oh my god... "Chekov, I was trying to protect you," he managed. "It wouldn't have been as bad for me, that's all I meant."
       Sulu saw the anguish return to the Russian's eyes and knew the Chekov, too, realized the ridiculousness of the allegation. He was frightened and fighting it and was attacking with anything that came to mind - and Sulu knew too well the kinds of things that came to mind when someone was suffering the way Chekov was now. He approached slowly. The navigator had wrapped his arms around his body, his head bent, eyes on the deck.
       "Chekov," Sulu said softly, "I would never hurt you. I'd never push you or pressure you. I won't lie to you - " The ensign's eyes flashed up at him and Sulu flushed. "I do find you attractive, and if you wanted such a thing, I'd be overjoyed to be your lover. But that's not what - that - was about. I was trying to save you as much pain as possible, because I knew I couldn't save you from all of it." He reached out to place a tentative hand on Chekov's shoulder. For a moment, the Russian seemed about to collapse into the offered comfort, then his shoulder twitched and he shrugged Sulu's hand off. He made a deliberate move, turning his body so that he could step around the table, farther away from the helmsman.
       "Why did you make me ask you?" Chekov asked at last, his voice quiet and toneless.
       Sulu blinked. "Why did I...? Was I supposed to assume you'd..."
       "If it was truly only help you were offering, yes!" the navigator suddenly blazed. "Why would not a friend offer help? Why did you play it so coy, pretending not to understand, not to know? You knew I was inexperienced, why did you leave it to fall on my shoulders?"
       "You... you didn't want to discuss it," Sulu stammered. "Then you came in and started talking about 'this thing.' I thought you simply couldn't bring yourself to name it." Sudden horror formed in Sulu's brain. "You mean to tell me you didn't... you really didn't know what he wanted... what I was going to do?"
       "How could I?" Chekov retorted.
       Sulu closed his eyes, trying to remember the events clearly. Was there indication that Chekov truly hadn't known?

       "Chekov, I don't know how much easier this is going to make things for you."
       "What do you mean?"
       "It may make things a little less bad physically. Knowing what to expect should give you a psychological edge.... If you're sure this is what you..."
       "We have limited time."
       Had Chekov been concerned with time not because he knew what was coming, but because he didn't?
       When Sulu had first tried to kiss him, Chekov had pulled back.
       "Is this necessary?"
       "Chekov, I... I'm not a rapist. I can't just..."
       "Oh. So, then it's the same as with a woman..."
       "Yes, of course."

       Sulu groaned. He apologized for 'breaking my concentration', for getting carried away. He didn't know, my god, my fucking god...
       "Chekov, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Sulu offered. "If I had known... gods, I would've handled things so much differently..."
       "But you still would have done it," Chekov returned, his voice hovering between stern anger and fearful anticipation.
       "If, after we'd discussed it," Sulu began warily, "if, after you knew what was going to happen, and if you decided that - uh - not being a virgin would've made enough of a difference to you..."
       "So tell me the truth now," the ensign broke in. "Would it have made enough of a difference?"
       Sulu shook his head. "You're the only one who can make that call."
       "What does that mean?" Chekov demanded.
       "It means..." Sulu sighed. "That some men, hetero men, would never get used to it. They never - learn how to relax. It would always - hurt - as much as the first time. Having a psychological edge, that much was definite, but..." He stared into Chekov's eyes, hoping beyond hope that the Russian would see his sincerity. "I was only trying to make it easier, I swear it..."
       "That is why you continued, yes?" Chekov snapped with sudden, returning vehemence. "My comfort, my ease is why you ignored my pleas that you hurry, and why you made me tell you that I wanted it. Or were your ears too full of your own passion to understand that I was weeping like a little girl?"
       The situation was too absurd, and Sulu had endured too many accusations. "Chekov," he found himself saying, "I did hurry."
       That brought the navigator up short.
       "Sit down," Sulu said gently. He was a little surprised when Chekov did just that, but he quickly took a seat across from the ensign. "You've colored this thing with way too many of your own assumptions," he began softly, "just like I did. Let's see if we can get this straight, okay?" He took a deep breath, spreading his fingers on the table between them. "First things first. Yes, I have been attracted to you since the first moment I saw you. I have no trouble admitting it. No, that doesn't mean I've been waiting for an opportunity to pounce on you. It doesn't even mean that I've been hoping you'd feel the same." Chekov opened his mouth and Sulu held up a hand. "No, fantasy isn't the same thing. There are a lot of things people fantasize about that they'd never actually want to happen."
       "So you are saying that you wouldn't want..." Chekov began, ignoring the non-verbal signal.
       Sulu cut him off. "No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that fantasy, however pleasant and disrespectful," he grinned to let the ensign know he was teasing, "isn't the same thing as reality - or intent."
       When Chekov blushed, Sulu knew he'd gotten that much through.
       "Second, I no more wanted Vargik than I'd want a Denebian Slime Devil. And don't you even dare go there!" he warned. "Just because I was willing to take him on to spare my friend, someone in my command, doesn't mean I would've welcomed it. Third, I really, honestly, truly had no idea you were so - innocent - about common Human sexual practices."
       "They are not common to everyone," Chekov murmured.
       "Okay, point conceded," Sulu agreed. "But that doesn't change my point. Fourth - " Sulu reached out, deliberately taking hold of one of the navigator's wrists, pulling his hand up onto the table where he could grasp it in his own. "Fourth, Chekov, dear Chekov, you were far too clever at covering up your fear. I thought you were being stubborn and obnoxious and were baiting me because I wasn't pulling off any Captain Kirk-type heroics. I thought you were being disrespectful and insubordinate. We don't know each other well enough for me to be able to read your mind." He tried a smile and was gratified to see the Russian's eyes soften. "And finally, most importantly, the thought of Vargik raping you - worse, forcing you to cooperate - was so intolerable that I would've done anything - anything to take some of the pain from you - even if that meant ruining our friendship." He carefully let go of Chekov's hand. "Which, I guess it did. I'm sorry, Chekov. I didn't mean to lay any of it on you."

=====*****=====

       Castigation that was half chagrin and half embarrassment chased itself around in Chekov's brain. His earlier paranoia warred with the doubts that even then had plagued him. How much of what Sulu had said was true? How much was convenient excuse? How much was honest concern and how much selfish desire? His wilder accusations seemed more than foolish, more even than unkind. Why had he distrusted everything Sulu had done and said? Where had such ugly suspicion come from?
       Fear, came the answer. You were afraid then, and you are afraid now.
       But of what? he answered himself again. Of Vargik, certainly, and the situation, and of feeling helpless and singled out and trapped. But of Sulu? Why?
       He had no answer for that.
       He tried to consider the situation rationally. What Sulu had done was not entirely unpleasant. There was pain, yes, and involuntary response and that was humiliating, made more so by Vargik's taunt the next morning; 'I heard you enjoyed it.' But the humiliation was not Sulu's fault. He had tried to be gentle... hadn't he? And how would you know this, Pasha? He said he had hurried. Does this mean a more - usual - incident of intimacy would take longer? How much longer?
       Ah, but he did say 'you're ready now, aren't you. You want it now.'
       And were you not? Did you not? Is it possible that Sulu's attentions were so that you would be receptive? Wasn't that the reason for the entire exercise?
       But he could not have thought I would then be receptive to...
       He told you he didn't know if it would make a difference. He said it might only give you the psychological advantage. He said it wouldn't take care of all the factors involved. You cannot continue to evade your part in it.
       The thought startled him. Was that it then? Was it his own responsibility he feared? And if that were true...
       Perhaps you need more facts. Perhaps you should judge for yourself.

=====*****=====

       Sulu waited silently for several minutes, letting the Russian absorb all he'd said. He could see the play of thought and emotion in the expressive brown eyes, but had no way of knowing what those thoughts or emotions were. But there was one more thing he had to address, as uncomfortable as it would be for both of them. "Y'know," he rejoined as casually as he could, "There are rape counselors, trauma specialists..."
       "It was not rape," Chekov said quietly.
       The lieutenant kept his sigh of relief inside. At least he knows that much. "Not technically," he said out loud, "but you didn't want it so the difficulties are likely to be similar..."
       "I would not wish to... you would be..."
       Sulu waved the objections away. "I can explain myself. The important thing is to deal with what you feel."
       "I have spoken with Uhura regarding the matter," Chekov confessed.
       "Yeah, I guessed as much," Sulu returned. "It explains why she's been avoiding me."
       "Sulu, I am sorry, I truly did not expect..."
       "Never mind. You're the one who needs help to deal with this." Sulu again looked into his eyes. "Is there anything I can do...?" He let the question dangle, expecting a quick refusal.
       There was a long pause, then Chekov straightened. "Yes. There is."
       Sulu's eyes widened in surprise. "Anything," he said quickly.
       "Help me to know if it would have made enough of a difference."
       I beg your... What did you... Am I hearing...WHAT?! "Come again?" was what came out of Sulu's mouth, and he winced.
       Chekov frowned. "I think you know what I am asking."
       "No. No, no, no. No more think, no more guess, no more assume."
       The usually soft lips hardened into a thin line. "Again you will make me..."
       "Chekov, I'm not 'making' you do anything. I'm not manipulating you. I thought you knew what I was talking about in the detention camp. You didn't. That assumption has cost me a lot and I'm not about to make the same mistake twice..."
       "What has it cost you?" Chekov interrupted with thinly veiled insinuation.
       "Your friendship," Sulu responded immediately.
       Chekov blinked.
       "I knew you'd want the leave the captain gave us to get your feelings straight," Sulu went on. "I knew you wouldn't want to have to deal with me then. But when we came back on duty..." Sulu had to swallow around the sudden lump in his throat. "You have no idea how hard these past three weeks have been. Every time I looked at you, or tried to talk to you, smile at you, joke with you, you'd freeze me out. God forbid I actually touch you, even by accident. I want my friend back, Chekov. And so I'm not about to assume I know what you want or what you need or what would be good for you. You've got this knack for making me tell you the truth, even when I'm trying to spare your feelings. Well, the shoe's on the other foot, now." He shook his head. "No. This time, you'll have to tell me straight out."
       "This time," Chekov muttered, then scowled. "Why did you make me convince you to help me," Chekov asked.
       "Damn it, I wasn't 'making you convince me.' I was trying to be sure it was what you wanted."
       "When I didn't know what it was I was ..."
       "I didn't know you didn't know!"
       They stared at each other for a long, tense moment. Chekov was the first to look away. He sighed deeply. "Sulu, I admit I am ignorant. I am asking you to help me to know if not being a virgin truly makes a difference to the experience of a second - " He struggled for a word.
       "Act of intercourse," Sulu supplied for him.
       "Yes," Chekov agreed without looking up.
       "You're asking me to make love to you again."
       "Yes."
       "As an experiment."
       "Yes."
       "No."

=====*****=====

       Pavel swiftly glanced up. It wasn't the answer he'd been expecting. The helmsman's face was set, but there was honest pain in the dark almond eyes.
       "But - " he stammered, at a loss to understand. "You said you would be overjoyed..."
       He saw Sulu grimace. "And I would. But you mean more to me - our friendship means more to me than..."
       "It would be casual, for informational purposes..." Pavel attempted to explain.
       "Yeah, that's just the point." Sulu murmured.
       "It is information I need if I am to - put this thing behind me," the ensign tried again.
       "Get somebody else," Sulu broke in. "That would be a better test anyway."
       "Explain!" Pavel demanded.
       To his surprise, Sulu got up and started pacing. "You want to know if sex with Vargik would really have hurt less," he snarled, "if I was really telling you the truth. For that you'll have to find someone who won't be careful, someone who wants to humiliate you, someone who wants to dominate you. You'll have to find someone who won't give a good goddamn what happens to you afterwards." He stopped, and when he faced the Russian, his expression was unreadable. "That's not me, Chekov," he said, "Not by a long shot."
       "But... in the camp..."
       "In the camp I mentioned that afterwards you'd have a weird situation with me."
       Pavel blinked. "I thought you meant... that it would be awkward because..."
       "Because I'd want more and you wouldn't," Sulu summed up accurately.
       "Well... yes."
       "Which is what I'm saying now." The lieutenant started pacing again. "If we went ahead with your little experiment, we'd be in exactly the same situation. Every time I looked at you, talked to you, smiled at you, joked with you - god forbid touched you, you'd wonder if I was coming on to you."
       Pavel stood up, moving around the table to intercept the helmsman. "No, Sulu, I don't think I have adequately explained myself," he said. "If this - experiment - were a success, I... I believe I might want to - experiment - further."
       Sulu stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes bored into Pavel's and the Russian felt himself flushing. "You were right," he said, whispered confession. "I was ready. I did want it." He looked pleadingly into his friend's eyes. "I am afraid, Sulu. I have never - wanted - anything like... I never thought of - of that kind of - variation ..." He felt his cheeks growing hotter.
       "Not even with a woman?" Sulu asked. There was genuine surprise in his tone, but no ridicule or superiority.
       "No, not even with a woman," Pavel responded, nearly inaudible.
       Sulu was silent for a moment. "And you're not certain you want it now," he said at last. "But you want to find out."
       "Yes, that is it exactly."
       "And you want to find out with me."
       "Sulu..."
       "For more reason than to discover if I was telling you the truth or not?"
       Pavel squeezed his eyes tightly shut. "Do you want me to be honest with you?"
       "Always," the lieutenant replied.
       "Because despite my paranoia of the past three weeks, I trust you not to hurt me. If - this thing - hurts, it will not be because you were, as you said it, one who wished to humiliate or dominate me. Then I would know if - this thing - were something I could - grow to - desire."
       Suddenly Sulu was very close to him. "Pavel," he whispered, "'this thing' is making love."
       Pavel squared his shoulders. "I do not know if I love you, Sulu," he said bravely.
       "Understood," Sulu murmured. His hands came to the navigatos's shoulders. "But let's be clear here. If it doesn't work out, we're still friends, right?"
       "Yes, of course," Pavel said quickly.
       "Regardless of any awkwardness."
       "Yes."
       "And you won't go all brooding on me."
       "I do not brood."
       Sulu's snort of suppressed laughter was strangely inoffensive. "And if you decide this isn't for you, you'll understand that I'll still have fantasies about it, right? And that having fantasies doesn't mean I'll be waiting around every corner to pounce on you?"
       Pavel's eyes glinted, his lips curving in just the barest hint of a smile. "And if you are the one who decides this is not for you?"
       Sulu's smile was soft and warm. "Not gonna happen," he said.
       "No?"
       "Not by a long shot."

~ THE END ~

To go to the next story in The Chiksa Chronicles click here

Return to Valjiir Stories

Return to Valjiir Continum